How Defensiveness Hurts Relationships

Defensiveness can be one of the most damaging behaviors in intimate relationships. Defensiveness is defined as any attempt to defend oneself from perceived attack. It’s the third of Dr. John Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse – which outlines the 4 behaviors that are not healthy for intimate relationships.

Defensiveness is one of the most common of the 4 Horsemen. It happens without most people being aware that they’re being defensive. For example, if one partner says, “I really don’t like it when you speak to me in that tone of voice.” The other person may respond with, “What tone of voice? I’m speaking to you like I speak to you all of the time!”

One partner feels criticized and they become defensive. When someone gets defensive, their partner gets frustrated because they don’t feel heard. It becomes a cycle and makes couples feel distant, increases resentment, and stops effective communication.

When we become defensive, we miss an opportunity to get close to our partner. Instead of considering the other person's perspective, we protect ourself. We may be right but here’s the big question: Would you rather be right or close?

The way to combat defensiveness is to take responsibility for at least some part of the problem. This will show your partner that you care how they feel. Taking responsibility, even if you didn’t mean to hurt your partner, will give you the opportunity to connect with each other.

If you’re both feeling hurt, it can be really tough to put your own feelings aside to find something that you can take ownership of. You can say something understanding like, “Yes, I could have said that better.” If you can be the first one to take responsibility, you’ll be surprised that your partner will most likely soften and then take responsibility for their part.

Some tips for getting rid of defensiveness:

1.     Calm Down – If your heart is beating more than 90 beats-per-minute, it becomes more difficult to access the “logical” part of your brain. Disengaging from an interaction before something hurtful is said should last for at least 20 minutes or longer for a person to really calm down. Otherwise, it is easy to slip back into an emotionally charged conversation and to say things that are hurtful and damaging to the marital friendship.

2.     Speak Non-Defensively – Speaking with a soft voice, using statements that start with “I feel…” rather than “You…” statements, and garnering the listener’s trust in our ability to communicate effectively without eliciting defensiveness.  “We” statements can also be helpful (e.g. “We need to start going to the gym.” or “We should talk about money issues.”).

3.     Pause before reacting - Instead of instantly responding, take a moment to collect your thoughts and emotions. Take some deep breaths to allow your brain to calm down so that you can try to understand the other person’s perspective. Don’t assume you know what they mean. Consider your partner’s intention behind their words, and respond calmly and thoughtfully rather than defensively.

4.     Validate – To validate another person we must:

• Listen with our eyes, ears, mind and heart
• Understand the needs and emotions being expressed
• Use bridge phrases and words such as “And then what happened?”; “How did that make you feel?”;  “Really?  You’re kidding?”; “What are you going to do now?”, “How can I help?”; “Uh-huh.”; “Yes/No/Why?”; etc. to let the know you are listening.

If defensiveness persists in your relationship despite your best efforts, consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or counselor. They can help you identify underlying issues and develop healthier communication patterns. If you'd like to work with Jill, you can contact her at [email protected]. 

Although defensiveness is common, you can learn ways to decrease defensiveness by learning how to calm down, speak non-defensively, pause before reacting and validate your partner. With work, you can create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship with your partner.