We often hear about a child or an adult who has ADHD or dyslexia or one of the many other learning disabilities (LDs) and feel sorry for them. Many people are embarrassed and ashamed that they are different than others and have had to struggle in school or at a job. Many parents avoid getting their children evaluated because they don't want them labeled. A person's self-esteem can be significantly impacted by this struggle and it can effect them for the rest of their life.
My experience was different. I struggled in elementary school with reading. Although I did very well in my math classes, I couldn't do well in English class no matter how hard I worked. I couldn't read until 3rd grade and even when I started reading, I had a hard time keeping up with the rest of my class. My mother was never the type to give up on anything, especially her children, so she took me to doctors and specialists. I was diagnosed with dyslexia and my mother completely changed my diet. She brought me to a center in New York City every week to get eye exercises. She gave me carrot juice (which tasted awful to a 9 year old) and took me to health food stores and alternative doctors before it was the thing to do. During this time, she never gave me the impression that I was lazy or stupid. Instead, she told me that I was very smart and capable. She had faith in me that with the right help, I would be able to succeed. Although I never became a top student in my English class, I did succeed. I went to Cornell University and completed a masters degree. And getting through my earlier struggles has made me the person that I am - hardworking, creative, efficient, empathic. People with LDs are gifted - we are unique, special, different. But being different in this society can be very difficult. We look at our friends and neighbors and see what looks like a perfect life. We compare ourselves or our children and feel that we don't measure up. But if we look at our differences as strengths instead of weaknesses, we can help our children feel good about who they are and we can feel good about who we are. We can help parents appreciate and nurture their children's unique gifts - just like my mom did. And if you didn't have a mom or dad who did that, every day you can nurture yourself and surround yourself with people who appreciate and celebrate the unique and special person you are. My 16 year old son asked me this week whether he should go to his track practice after school because his throat hurt. I immediately thought to myself that he was just trying to get out of practice and he should push himself to go. I thought that he wasn't being tough or competitive enough if he didn't go to practice. I wanted to say, "Just go to practice!" But then I asked myself what message did I want to send him. Do I want him to ask me whenever he had a difficult decision to make? Did I want him to think I didn't have confidence in his judgement?
I was very glad that I thought before I answered (I don't always do that!). I ended up saying that it was up to him and that I think he could go with a sore throat but he would have to make the decision about what he wanted to do. In the end he decided to go to practice. I know that if I really pushed him to go he might have been a little resentful and angry about it. Instead, he learned that I trusted him to make decisions about himself and that he didn't have to fight against anyone - he could think independently about what he was going to do. Everyday our children ask our advice and interact with us and it gives us an opportunity to teach them something. I'm not saying that you can never give your children advice. But at some point, they aren't going to be able to ask us for our advice. We want our children to have confidence in themselves. We want them to individuate, or develop their own sense of self. We want them to make their own choices and learn from their mistakes. The best thing a parent can do is think before answering a child, "What do I want him to learn?" I am quoted in an article in the 2016 Central Jersey Family Living. It's titled, "Making Time to Bond" and it outlines how mother-son and father-daughter time is important. You may not have seen it because it's at the back of the magazine but if you have it, take a look. The article describes how it's easier to spend time with the same sex child - fathers take their sons to ballgames and mothers take their daughters for manicures. This may be true in some cases. What it didn't go into was that each child and parent relationship is so unique that it's difficult to generalize. Some mothers are more connected to their sons and find it easier to spend time with them while some dads are more connected to their daughters. It's so dependent upon the personality of the child and parent that it's better to discuss how important it is to spend focused time with your child.
The child can feel so special by a parent doing something that the child really enjoys. It really does a lot for a child's self-esteem if the parent regularly listens to the child and spends quality time doing what the child likes to do. This doesn't have to be every day - once a week is enough. But taking an hour or two once a week gives the child a gift that will last a lifetime. What do you do with your child to make them feel special? |
AuthorJill Barnett Kaufman, MSW, LCSW and Certified Parent Educator is an experienced clinician who helps clients discover new ways to resolve a variety of challenges and bring more happiness and peace into their lives. Archives
November 2023
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