Divorce is one of the most stressful experiences and involves complex emotional, financial and legal issues. In order to be able to think clearly through your divorce, it’s so important that you take care of your emotional self.
 
1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it 

The ability to set boundaries is crucial and can be hard, especially after separating from a long-term relationship. What do healthy boundaries look like? Not doing something that feels wrong or uncomfortable is a great starting point. If your Soon-to-be-ex (STBX) tells you to do something and you don’t feel comfortable doing it, you need to be able to let him or her know that you disagree. This doesn’t mean that you should be disrespectful, it means that you can let them know that you appreciate their perspective. But in the end, you get to decide what you want to do.
 
2. Stay calm when you communicate with your STBX 

Communication is key in any relationship, divorce included, and being calm will help you effectively communicate with your STBX. Try not to react to the emotion in the other person’s voice, this can escalate a simple conversation into an argument. Instead, recognize that you don’t have to respond right away. Take some time to breathe deeply, and think about how you want to respond. Not only will this prevent an argument, but it’s less emotionally draining on you. Lastly, if the conversation is getting escalated, remove yourself until you are both able to respond calmly.
 
3. Trust your instincts  

Your instincts are there to tell you when a boundary is being pushed too far and it’s key to listen to them. When you can feel yourself being pushed too far or being put in an uncomfortable situation, trust when that gut feeling kicks in and walk away.
 
4. Don’t be afraid to say “no”  

Sometimes we say yes because we feel intimidated or want to please others. Saying “no” helps to establish healthy boundaries and enables others to understand what to expect from you. When a situation arises, you might feel obligated to go along for the sake of agreement but if you say yes and then feel resentful, that’s not good for anyone. Learning to say no and not feel bad is key to taking care of your emotional self.

 5. Let go of what you can’t control  

You won’t be able to control everything. There are things that may happen that are not ideal for you or your children. In most cases, everything will still turn out ok, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted. Detaching and letting go are such important skills when you’re going through divorce and will save you so much stress. If you’re struggling with this, I recommend practicing mindfulness and meditation.
 
Caring for yourself emotionally can make a huge difference in helping you move forward through your divorce  in a healthy way. When you’re able to take better care of yourself mentally and physically, your decision making will improve, you'll be able to think clearly, you’ll be able to be there for your children and you can conquer anything that comes your way!

Positive affirmations have been shown to reduce stress.  The following six mantras can be a powerful tool to reduce stress.  Take deep breaths as you say the following:

1. All situations are temporary.  Nothing lasts forever.  Although we know this intellectually, too often we can’t recognize it while we’re going through our daily tasks.  Take a step back either by meditating, taking a deep breath or listening to music.  Then remember what your life was a month or a year ago.  Recognize how different it is now and how temporary the stresses of today are.
2. There is no wrong decision.  When you’ve listed all the pros and cons of a decision and you still question which decision to make, know that there really isn’t a wrong decision.  You typically make the best decision that you can with the information that you have at the moment.  If you realize that any decision has positive and negative aspects to it, and that's ok, you’ll feel better about your decisions.  
3. I’ve survived all of the difficult moments of my past.  Think about all of the things you’ve been through in your life.  It’s pretty impressive if you think about it – you’ve been through moves, maybe some deaths, fights, feeling alone – probably a lot of stressful things.  And you’ve survived.  You get stronger when you experience difficult times.  You’re probably much stronger than you give yourself credit.
4. Be still and breath.  Focus on one idea, one task, one moment and find joy in that stillness.  If you like to be in nature, that can help you to be still.  Walk outside and look at the trees, flowers, streams or children playing.  Find something to help you center yourself.
5. I trust the guidance of the universe.  Choose to believe that whatever you’re dealing with is being worked on by something bigger than yourself.  Even if you’re not religious, you can have faith in yourself and believe that where you are is ok.
6. I love myself.  This is a very powerful mantra.  It can be difficult if we are hard on ourselves which so many people are.  Imagine what you would tell your friend who said that they didn’t love themselves.  Treat yourself like you would treat a good friend. 

These mantras are powerful tools that we can incorporate into our day to reduce our stress.  What mantras have you used that are helpful to you?

Studies have shown that some people are inherently more grateful than others.  People are born with a proclivity towards many different things and being grateful is one of them.  It may have to do with a person's temperament and their ability to be tolerant - some people are more tolerant of everyday hassles such as difficulty finding parking, long waits for help on the phone, etc. The people who are more tolerant of everyday hassles are also more grateful for everyday blessings such as seeing the sunset through the clouds, the right to vote, a quiet moment, etc. 
 
The good news is that being grateful is something that can be learned. If you can incorporate more gratitude into your life, you will be happier, more fulfilled and more peaceful.  How do you incorporate gratitude into your life?  One way is to keep a gratitude journal.  A gratitude journal is simply a journal where you write one thing that you're grateful for every day.  Writing what you're grateful for everyday helps you focus on the positive things in your life so that you can develop a grateful focus.
 
Becoming more grateful has tangible benefits.  In 1,000 people studied, the people who kept a gratitude journal had psychological, physical and social benefits.  They felt more alert and alive.  In addition, they felt less bothered by aches and pains, they exercised more and they had a 10% increase in sleep duration.  There was also an improvement in blood pressure!  Socially, they felt more outgoing, less lonely and more compassionate.  In addition, children who wrote in gratitude journals showed an increase in their GPA.
 
A gratitude journal is just one way to become more grateful.  What other ways can you come up with to become more grateful?

There's a blizzard in New Jersey this morning.  The shopping centers were packed last night with people scrambling to buy milk, bread, eggs - everything they could possibly need in case they were stuck in their homes for a while.  But this morning it's quiet.  There is not a car on the road.

Normally, most people are pulled in so many directions with an overwhelming amount of responsibilities.  But today you can't get errands done, you can't go to work, you can't really do anything.  This gives us a rare chance to do the things that we can't do very often.  Relax, take a nap, talk to family, breathe, play a game, bake cookies, have tea, read.  Take advantage of the blizzard - be in the moment and appreciate the moment.

If you are in another part of the country where there isn't a blizzard, take a blizzard day!  We all need those days where we get nothing accomplished because it is what helps us to be effective during the rest of the days.  Don't feel guilty or pressure to get something done.  Recognize that you deserve it, we all do.  If you can't take the whole day, a part of the day will do.  Don't wait for a blizzard, they don't come very often.  Take a blizzard day today!

New Year's Resolutions are common - "I'm going to lose 10 pounds", "I'm going to eat all organic, gluten-free foods", "I'm going to be nicer to people".  Many times resolutions are somewhat unrealistic.  And most likely the reason people create resolutions is that they have the underlying thought - "I'm not good enough."  This thought of not being good enough is most likely a result of low self-esteem.  In order to feel good about ourselves, we need to actively be aware of our internal messages.  Say to yourself, "I like the way I am."

Instead of creating resolutions in the new year, create realistic, attainable goals.  You can have goals every day, every month or even every quarter.  If you don't meet some of your goals, don't get discouraged.  They can be re-evaluated every so often to see if they are realistic.

Here's a good example of attainable goals:

Goals for January:
1. Find a charity or organization that I would like to become involved in.
2. Eat at least one vegetable per day.
3. Spend one day with a good friend doing something fun.
4. Network with one group for my business.

Be sure to include taking care of yourself in your goals.  It's really important when you are planning your time to schedule in something that will make you feel cared for.  Most people forget to include that in their schedule and if it's not a priority, it may not get done.

What can you do so that you feel taken care of?

The holiday season brings a tremendous amount of stress as we are either incredibly busy or feeling somewhat lonely.  Many people don't have as strong support systems as they need and it becomes very obvious during the holidays due to the messages that we receive from the media.  If your life doesn't look like some picture perfect holiday card then you feel like a failure.  These perfect pictures are usually unrealistic.  Here are some tips to make it a non-stressful holiday season:

1. Slow down - our society moves quickly.  There is so much to do and we feel that if we aren't accomplishing something we're waisting time.  Say no to an invitation.  Shut off all screens.  Sometimes we need to take a break and breathe.

2. Acknowledge your feelings - know that feeling anxious or sad is normal and allow yourself to feel those feelings.  Express them in a journal or to a close friend.  

3. Look for the positive - if you don't have an extended family or support system, find the people who are there for you.  Recognize that you do have people who care about you and who you care about.

4. Reach out - contact others in the community or in religious or other groups.  There are others who are waiting to connect with you and will help you get through this time.

5. Spend time in nature - nature can be healing and if you're feeling stressed or depressed, getting out in the sun can be just what the doctor ordered.  Sunlight stimulates the production of the feel good serotonin.

6. Make time for yourself - take a walk, listen to music, take a yoga class, take a bubble bath.  Spend time with someone who makes you laugh.  Do things to take care of yourself so that you can truly enjoy this time of year.