Divorce is a difficult and overwhelming experience and can be especially challenging for those who are co-parenting with their soon-to-be-ex (STBX). You want what's best for your children but you may have difficulty communicating with your STBX. You both may have hurt, angry, and resentful feelings toward each other. There are things you can do to reduce the stress of co-parenting and make it more effective.
1. Communicate with your ex as much as necessary.
It's critical to keep the lines of communication open for the sake of your children. Schedules, pick-ups and drop-offs, extracurricular activities, medical issues and other details should be discussed. The more you can agree on in advance, the less stressful things will be when they arise. And, if disagreements do arise, try to handle them calmly. You don't want your children to see you arguing or hear negative things about their other parent. But you don't have to communicate about anything unrelated to the children. If there's something going on that you'd rather not tell your STBX, it's ok to keep it private. You're navigating a new relationship with your STBX and you can decide how much you share and how much you keep to yourself.
2. Do not use your children to communicate.
Using your children to communicate will only harm your children in the long run. Your children should never feel responsible for things that happen between their parents. If they are required to communicate because you aren’t able to, your children can feel an incredible amount of stress. It’s best to find ways to communicate including text, email and phone calls.
3. Focus on your future.
You and your STBX’s relationship is changing. You’re no longer going to be married, you’re going to be co-parents. That means that everything that happened in the past doesn’t really apply to your new relationship. Let go of the past and focus on your future as co-parents who both care about your children. Be polite and respectful no matter what your STBX does. Eventually you’ll be able to develop a healthy co-parenting relationship. Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself so that you won’t be triggered by any inappropriate text or confrontational attorney letter.
4. Talk about feelings with your children
Divorce brings up so many emotions. It’s important that you create an environment where your children can express all of their feelings, even if it’s difficult to hear. Ask your children how they’re feeling and listen to what they say. Listening without talking is an essential skill that parents need to be effective at. When your child expresses a fear, ask them to tell you more. Then ask them, “Is there anything else?” When your child is completely done talking, then you can try to address some of their concerns without minimizing them. Empathize with them and say, “I can see why you feel that way.” Be honest with your children and let them know that it’s hard for you too but let them know that you’ll all be ok. Come up with ideas together on how you can make things better. If your children feel comfortable talking about their feelings, you can all move forward and have hope for a really good future.
Divorce is one of the most difficult things to go through in life. You have to take care of yourself to manage the stress of co-parenting. If you communicate effectively with your STBX, focus on your future and talk about feelings with your children, you will have an easier time managing the stress of divorce and co-parenting. If you’re struggling with any of this, reach out to a therapist or an experienced divorce coach.
Divorce mediation is a process where you and your soon-to-be-ex (STBX) work with an impartial third party to negotiate the financial and parenting aspects of your divorce agreement. There are ways to prepare yourself emotionally for the divorce mediation process to make it less stressful and more effective.
Keep In Mind That It's Not About Who Wins or Loses
You and your STBX are going to have disagreements as you go through your mediation process. It’s important to remember that winning is not as important as reaching an acceptable agreement for both parties. Be prepared to let go of the need to win and instead focus on finding a resolution that works for both of you.
Know What’s Important To You
Knowing what’s important to you is key to understanding how to prepare for mediation. Think of the dream solution – if you could have everything you want, what would that look like? Then think about what you could give up. Do you want to keep the marital home? How important is that to you? Are you agreeable to 50% custody? Knowing what’s important to you and what you can give up will help you keep your emotions in check so that you can get to an agreement.
Focus On The Future
The purpose of divorce mediation is to agree on what’s going to happen in your and your children’s future. Sometimes during mediation one party brings up something that happened in the marriage in the past. It’s usually not helpful to discuss emotional issues from the past during mediation. If you or your STBX starts to do this, respectfully redirect your attention to discussions about the agreement and the future. Mediation is about moving forward so think about the following questions:
Keep Emotions Out Of It
During mediation, you’re negotiating one of the most important transactions in your life. You must be able to think clearly in order to make all of the important decisions that you need to make. If you’re emotional, you won’t be able to think clearly. If you feel upset, take a few deep abdominal breaths and try to relax. It may also be helpful to take breaks throughout the mediation process to clear your head. Otherwise, you may say or do something that you'll regret later.
Divorce mediation can be a very difficult, emotional process. However, by preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for the journey ahead, you can make the experience a little more manageable.
If you're considering divorce mediation, it's important to talk to someone who can help guide you through the process and offer support. A divorce coach can be an invaluable asset during this time – they can provide information about what to expect during mediation, help you prepare for mediation, and help keep you accountable throughout the process.
No one tells you what to expect after a divorce. For some people, it's a total relief. They can finally start living their lives the way they want to. But for others, it can be challenging. There's so much change happening all at once, and it can be hard to know where to start. In this blog, we will go through ways to be happy in your post-divorce life.
Grieving Leads To Happiness
The process grieving is a necessary part of moving on. Research has shown that those who don't allow themselves to grieve after a divorce are more likely to experience long-term negative effects such as depression and anxiety.
So what does it mean to grieve? It means that you go through the five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and eventually acceptance. And it’s important to remember that grief is not a straight line so you may be in any of the 5 stages at any point in time. These emotions are all normal reactions to grief and it’s common to cycle through these stages multiple times. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve in whatever way works best for you. Journaling is a great tool to help you process your grief. With time and patience, it is possible to feel happier and more fulfilled as you go through the grieving process.
Have A Support System
Divorce can be a confusing and emotionally charged process. It’s important to build and reach out to your support system. This could be a divorce coach, close friends, a therapist, a support group, a minister or family members. Talking about what you are going through can help you make sense of your emotions and move on. A support system can offer so much when you’re in need of practical advice, a safe place to vent or even help with childcare.
Learn To Manage Your Finances
Taking control of your finances after a divorce is important so that you can understand and have clarity about so many important decisions in your life. First, make a budget from your previous year of expenses so that you can project out what you need to live on. Start by listing your monthly income and expenses, then see where you can cut back or make adjustments. Second, get organized and keep all of your critical financial documents in one place so you can easily find them when you need them. This includes things like tax returns, bank statements, and investment accounts. A financial advisor, accountant and a CDFA can help you with all of this.
Being single after a divorce can be liberating. Your relationship status for so long defined you - now you get to define yourself. This is a time to reconnect with who you are and what makes you happy. It's also a chance to set some new goals and create a life that is even better than before.
Of course, there are challenges to being single, but that’s all part of the journey. Embrace your new status and enjoy being single. You may just find it's something to be grateful for!
Indulge In Self-Care
It can be easy to get lost in the shuffle of everyday life and put your own needs on the back burner. However, it's crucial to take some time for yourself to recharge and refocus. Dedicate some time each week to do something that brings you joy, whether taking a yoga class, going for a walk in nature, reading your favorite book, or getting a massage. You have to make self-care a priority because if you wait until you have time, you may not ever make time for this.
Develop New Interests
After a divorce, it can be difficult to know what to do with your life. You may have spent years focused on your family, and now you find yourself suddenly with a lot of free time. This is an opportunity to pursue interests that you never had time for. Maybe you've always wanted to learn to play the guitar or take up painting. Perhaps you've always dreamed of traveling but never had the chance. Now is the perfect time to develop those interests.
It will give you something to focus on outside of your divorce and help you meet new people. Don't be afraid to pursue your passions after a divorce – it can be just what you need to start fresh and build a great life for yourself.
Yes, You Can Be Happy After Divorce!
Divorce is one of the most difficult things a person can go through. But it doesn't have to be the end of your happiness. You can be happy after divorce. Take your divorce journey one day at a time, and don't be afraid to reach out for help when you need it. You’ll find that each step that you take to move forward will make it that much easier to continue. And eventually, you’ll become so grateful for the new life that you have and you won’t be able to imagine any other life.
The effects of divorce can be devastating for children. Children of divorce are more likely to struggle academically, mentally, and in their relationships. They frequently have feelings of betrayal, anger, and sadness. While some children can overcome these obstacles, others may struggle well into adulthood.
The good news is that there are several things parents can do to help their children through the process so that they are protected from the negative consequences of divorce. Here are three crucial things to keep in mind.
Explain What’s Happening in Your Family in Age-Appropriate Terms and Listen to What Your Children Have to Say
Telling your children that you’re getting divorced is one of the most difficult conversations you can have. It’s important to tell your children together with their other parent about the divorce. Create a script together so that you both agree on what to say. Avoid blaming either parent and instead emphasize that both parents still love them very much.
You can help your children understand and cope by explaining that sometimes couples grow apart and sometimes they should live apart. Let your children know how their lives will change. Children are primarily concerned about themselves and focusing on how their lives will be impacted is helpful. Let them know how their lives will be the same and what may change. Encourage your children to ask questions and provide answers to their questions. Only provide details that are absolutely necessary for them to know.
Younger children don’t need to know much about why the marriage is ending. Tell them simple, concrete terms - for example, which parent will move out, where they’ll live, what school they’re going to, etc. Older children may want to know more details about the divorce but it’s not necessary to go into too much detail. You can say that you tried to work to make things better. You can reassure them that you both will continue to work together to be there for them.
It’s important to allow your children time to process their feelings. Don’t push them to talk. Instead let them know that you’re available to them any time they feel like talking. Check in with them in the next few hours after you tell them and continuously over the next days, weeks and months. Children react differently, with some children having emotional reactions at different times.
The relationship between you and your spouse while you’re going through divorce has an impact on your children. Even if you and your spouse get along in front of your children during your divorce, your kids can still sense if there's tension. They may become anxious themselves or even start to act out. It’s important to maintain a consistent routine, communicate openly with your kids, and to be understanding of their feelings. It's also important to avoid putting your kids in the middle of any arguments. This will help your kids feel more secure during this time of change.
Make Co-Parenting A Success
Co-parenting is when both parents share the responsibility of raising their children even though they’re separated or they don't live together. Children have to deal with their parents separately which is very different from what happens in an intact family. They’ll be living in two different homes and having two different sets of rules. They may feel different from their friends and may be ashamed of being in a divorced family.
Parents must work together and focus on their children. Children require patience, love, and support from both of their parents. Parents need to put their own feelings aside and communicate with each other about the children’s schedule, how the children are doing emotionally, and how they can work together to support their children through this.
There are steps you can take to help protect your child from feeling caught in the middle of arguments.
Think of your children’s other parent as a colleague or coworker who you need to work with for the good of your child. Don’t discuss past emotional issues. Focus on the present and future in your discussions in a non-emotional manner.
Working With A Therapist Can Help
Children of divorce can benefit greatly from seeing a therapist. In individual therapy, they're more likely to feel safe expressing their authentic selves and discussing the hurtful feelings they may have towards their parents.
They may also feel more comfortable discussing complex topics, such as their fears and anxieties, with a therapist than with their parents. Furthermore, a therapist can provide children with tools and resources to help them cope with the challenges of divorce.
Divorce is never easy, but with the right tools and support, you can help your child through it. Your child's emotions are valid. No matter what your child may say, they are going through a lot of change and upheaval during a divorce.
It's important to validate their feelings and let them know it's okay to feel the way they do. They need your support now more than ever. We hope these tips have given you a good starting place as you begin to navigate this difficult time.
As you go through your divorce, imagining life post-divorce can be difficult. You can get caught up in the day to day challenges and lose sight of what your life will look like after you’re legally divorced. One of the best ways to make the transition easier is to set goals for yourself. Doing so will help you focus on what's important and keep you moving forward. Here are a few tips on setting goals during a separation or divorce.
Keep your goals focused on what you want your future life to look like
Give yourself some time to think about your future life - post divorce. Write down where you’d like to live, what you’d like to be doing, how you’ll spend time with your children, and anything that you can think of that will make the next chapter of your life what you want it to be. If you’re having trouble with this, enlist a friend, a therapist with expertise in divorce or a divorce coach to help you. A therapist with expertise in divorce and a divorce coach are specifically trained to provide you the space and the tools to help you determine what you want in your divorce.
This step is key because you need to know what you ultimately want in your divorce in order to negotiate with your soon-to-be-ex (STBX). Too many people hire attorneys and ask their attorneys what they should fight for. Attorneys are trained in the law, not in helping people develop their divorce goals.
Divorce goals to consider:
Your STBX can have different goals and that’s ok. You’ll need to compromise so that you both are able to meet your most important goals.
Set your personal goals
Through divorce you can experience personal growth in a profound way. Below are ideas for personal goals:
Set dating goals
If you’re interested in dating post divorce, you want to make sure that you are fully healed from the ending of your marriage. You don’t want to rush into another relationship before you’re ready. Also, your children need you so you need to be able to balance taking care of your children, work and all the other responsibilities of life. A new relationship will require your time and energy.
Think about these questions:
If you need support with this, consider seeing a therapist to work through all of the grief, anger, and other emotions that you've experienced.
It's essential to take time for yourself and do things you enjoy, whether new hobbies, travel, or just reading a new book. Take a break before dating again and think about what a healthy relationship means to you.
Once you feel like you have fully grieved and are able to have perspective about your marriage and divorce, starting to date can be a very healthy experience. Each person you meet is another opportunity to learn about what you want and how you want a new relationship to be.
Achieving your goals
Write down your thoughts related to your goals in a journal. As you write your thoughts, you’ll process your feelings and learn more about yourself and what you want. Then you can run it by a friend, therapist or divorce coach and refine your goals to make them specific, measurable and achievable. You want to put a time frame on each of your goals so that you can be accountable to yourself. These steps will help you develop a well thought out plan to achieve your goals for your future post-divorce life.
Is your marriage a mess but you’re afraid to get a divorce? Are you scared of being on your own? Are you staying together for the kids? There are so many things to think about before you decide to get a divorce. The average person thinks about divorce for 7 years before taking that step. So it makes sense if you’re stuck and not doing anything about it.
If you’re feeling that you don’t want to stay married but you don’t want to get divorced, you’re not alone. Many people stay in their marriages because they’re scared of the alternative. It feels better to be together because your children are in an intact family. And staying married feels safe and stable. But if you’re unhappy, depressed or anxious, that’s not really stable. And if your children see conflict or tension, that’s not good for them.
If you’re unhappy in your marriage, it’s taking a toll on you. Even if your marriage looks ok from the outside, you know what’s really going on inside. If there is no connection, no communication, no partnership or respect, it can feel horrible. Maybe one partner shows their rage toward the other in private but everyone outside the family thinks he or she is a great person. Maybe one partner isn’t willing to work on the marriage and expects the other to accept it as it is. Being in an unhappy marriage can have emotional and even physical consequences. I understand; I was there too. I started having optical migraines and acid reflux which are both physical conditions that stem from stress.
Once you realize that there are serious negative consequences to being in an unhappy marriage, you can start to get closer to a decision to divorce. Understanding that you deserve to be happy, and your children deserve to have happy parents, provides you with the courage to overcome your fears of getting divorced. Millions of people have gotten through divorce, you can too.
Get support as you go through this very stressful time - get support from family, friends, a therapist or from my group coaching program – Thriving Through Divorce. If you know it's the right decision, you can find the courage to do this. You can build an amazing new post-divorce life for yourself and your children.
Divorce is one of the most stressful experiences and involves complex emotional, financial and legal issues. In order to be able to think clearly through your divorce, it’s so important that you take care of your emotional self.
1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it
The ability to set boundaries is crucial and can be hard, especially after separating from a long-term relationship. What do healthy boundaries look like? Not doing something that feels wrong or uncomfortable is a great starting point. If your Soon-to-be-ex (STBX) tells you to do something and you don’t feel comfortable doing it, you need to be able to let him or her know that you disagree. This doesn’t mean that you should be disrespectful, it means that you can let them know that you appreciate their perspective. But in the end, you get to decide what you want to do.
2. Stay calm when you communicate with your STBX
Communication is key in any relationship, divorce included, and being calm will help you effectively communicate with your STBX. Try not to react to the emotion in the other person’s voice, this can escalate a simple conversation into an argument. Instead, recognize that you don’t have to respond right away. Take some time to breathe deeply, and think about how you want to respond. Not only will this prevent an argument, but it’s less emotionally draining on you. Lastly, if the conversation is getting escalated, remove yourself until you are both able to respond calmly.
3. Trust your instincts
Your instincts are there to tell you when a boundary is being pushed too far and it’s key to listen to them. When you can feel yourself being pushed too far or being put in an uncomfortable situation, trust when that gut feeling kicks in and walk away.
4. Don’t be afraid to say “no”
Sometimes we say yes because we feel intimidated or want to please others. Saying “no” helps to establish healthy boundaries and enables others to understand what to expect from you. When a situation arises, you might feel obligated to go along for the sake of agreement but if you say yes and then feel resentful, that’s not good for anyone. Learning to say no and not feel bad is key to taking care of your emotional self.
5. Let go of what you can’t control
You won’t be able to control everything. There are things that may happen that are not ideal for you or your children. In most cases, everything will still turn out ok, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted. Detaching and letting go are such important skills when you’re going through divorce and will save you so much stress. If you’re struggling with this, I recommend practicing mindfulness and meditation.
Caring for yourself emotionally can make a huge difference in helping you move forward through your divorce in a healthy way. When you’re able to take better care of yourself mentally and physically, your decision making will improve, you'll be able to think clearly, you’ll be able to be there for your children and you can conquer anything that comes your way!
Self-sabotage. We’ve all done it. But when we do it while going through a life-changing process such as divorce and trying to come out better on the other side, it can be very problematic.
Self-sabotage can prevent you from reaching your goals, and in a divorce that can have dire consequences. Understanding why self-sabotage occurs can help stop it. People sabotage themselves because they have self-doubt and a loss of confidence, both of which happen with divorce. You may doubt that you can make good decisions because your marriage failed. You may question your ability to support yourself as your financial picture changes. You may feel like a bad parent because your children are struggling. But these thoughts are not true and you need to be able to bring yourself back to reality.
How do you overcome these negative thoughts so you can face the realness of divorce confident and strong? Here are several strategies that can help:
Write down your negative thoughts -
Write down the negative thoughts as you’re having them. If you’re saying to yourself things like:
I won’t be able to support myself and my kids.
I’m not a good parent.
This is going to be like this forever.
We’re never going to sell our house.
How do these thoughts make you feel? These negative thoughts impact the way you feel. Notice the judgment and negative assumptions. Take a deep breathe and slow down your thoughts by writing them down.
Write down the answer to this question for each thought - what is the evidence that this thought isn’t true?
Think of all of the times you’ve made good decisions, been financially stable and have been a good parent. That doesn’t go away. Write down facts about who you really are – as if you were talking to your friend when they're feeling bad about themselves. Ask yourself:
What do I love about myself?
What am I proud of?
What am I good at?
How far have I come?
Replace the negative thoughts with positive phrases:
I am incredible.
I am strong.
I’ve done really incredible things.
I’ve raised amazing kids.
I am a force to be reckoned with.
I’ve got this.
You’ll be amazed how much different you feel when you change your self-talk.
Self-sabotage can prevent you from moving forward in your divorce process. If you’re able to change your self-talk to be positive, you’ll be amazed at how you’ll become more confident and you’ll feel more peace and happiness in your life.
Divorce can be overwhelming and isolating. Too many people have so much shame from their divorce that they don’t reach out for help. Having support during divorce is key to making the divorce process more manageable. You can learn to let go of shame and find support so that you can get your life back on track.
How do you find the support you need?
Spend time with family
Your family are typically the first ones who will be there for you. Not everyone in your family needs to know all of the details of your experience. Only confide in your most trusted and supportive family members as you’ll need non-judgmental people who help you feel good about yourself.
Reach out to friends
If you don’t have a supportive family, choose friends who are patient and kind. Your friends may not understand what you need. Reach out to friends who you can trust to share what’s going on and what you need. You may need a place to stay for a night or two to get away from the stress. Or you may need a walking partner to get out and exercise. Whatever it is you need, let your friends know. If they’re true friends, they’ll be there for you.
Find a support group
There are plenty of divorce support groups that you can find online, in your local area or on apps like Facebook and Meetup. Hearing stories from others and learning about their experiences will help you cope and can offer great advice on situations that neither your friends nor family will be able to help you with. They are also a great resource for referrals for therapists, divorce coaches, attorneys, or anything else that you might need as you continue your divorce. My free FB group, Separation and Divorce Support Community, is a great example of this.
Talk to a professional
Many people speak with an attorney first when going through divorce and because they're distraught, they end up using their attorney as a therapist. This can cost a lot of money plus attorneys are not mental health professionals so they don’t know how to help you with emotional issues. A therapist or a divorce coach can provide you with specific tools to process your emotions so that you can think clearly through the important decisions that you have to make throughout your divorce process. A divorce coach can help you understand what your options are as you go through your divorce process and can help you avoid making costly mistakes.
A good support system during divorce will help you let go of the shame and shift your mindset to a more positive outlook so that you can get your life back on track. Choose your support system wisely by reaching out to supportive friends and family, joining support groups and getting the professional guidance to get to your great post-divorce life!
When I was going through my divorce, I didn’t know what to say to my kids. I was doing my best to protect them so I didn’t share much with them about the divorce. I assumed they would open up to me if they needed to talk. Knowing what I do now, I would do things differently. Following are some key points to help kids open up during divorce.
1. Start things off with honest communication.
How you are going to communicate with your children during divorce starts when you tell them about the divorce. It’s important to tell them together - with both parents if possible - without blaming either parent. You don’t have to give too many details, but answer their questions as they come up.
Kids are focused primarily on themselves and mostly care about how the divorce will impact them. They’re typically not thinking about their parents’ feelings too much.
You can give them information like:
It’s so important to be available to your kids when they want to talk. You can intentionally create situations where they’re relaxed such as when you’re driving in the car or before they go to bed. Here are some ways to encourage them to open up with you:
Kids live in the present moment - they’re much better at doing that than adults. When they don’t like what’s happening, they may say hurtful things to their parents. Try not to get caught up in the things they say during a stressful moment. They may seem extremely upset one day, but that doesn’t mean it’s how they’re going to feel the next day or next week. Do your best to let little things go and not to take it personally. As a parent, it’s devastating to know they’re hurting, but kids are very resilient. Their moods will not last forever.
However, there are times that you should consider reaching out for help. There are some clues to show if your child is simply upset and processing their feelings or if they are having deeper struggles. Here are some examples:
These behavior changes are signals that your child isn’t coping well with the divorce and may need extra help from a counselor or professional.
The great news is that the most stressful parts of your divorce will not last forever, and that there are clear ways to keep the lines of communication open with you and your children. Many times, parents can have even deeper relationships with their kids after divorce when the strain of the marriage isn’t a part of the parent/child relationship. In the meantime, these strategies can give you a positive direction for how to get your kids to open up.
Jill Barnett Kaufman, MSW, LCSW and Certified Parent Educator is an experienced clinician who helps clients discover new ways to resolve a variety of challenges and bring more happiness and peace into their lives.