How to Set Goals During a Separation or Divorce

As you go through your divorce, imagining life post-divorce can be difficult. You can get caught up in the day to day challenges and lose sight of what your life will look like after you’re legally divorced. One of the best ways to make the transition easier is to set goals for yourself. Doing so will help you focus on what's important and keep you moving forward. Here are a few tips on setting goals during a separation or divorce.

Keep your goals focused on what you want your future life to look like
Give yourself some time to think about your future life - post divorce. Write down where you’d like to live, what you’d like to be doing, how you’ll spend time with your children, and anything that you can think of that will make the next chapter of your life what you want it to be. If you’re having trouble with this, enlist a friend, a therapist with expertise in divorce or a divorce coach to help you. A therapist with expertise in divorce and a divorce coach are specifically trained to provide you the space and the tools to help you determine what you want in your divorce.

This step is key because you need to know what you ultimately want in your divorce in order to negotiate with your soon-to-be-ex (STBX). Too many people hire attorneys and ask their attorneys what they should fight for. Attorneys are trained in the law, not in helping people develop their divorce goals. 

Divorce goals to consider:

• Keeping the children’s needs as a priority
• Communicating in a respectful and consistent way with your children’s other parent
• Keeping the marital home or selling it
• Where you want to live
• Being able to work in a certain field
• Bringing down marital debt
• Paying or receiving alimony
• Co-parenting schedule
• Having a certain work schedule
• Being able to take a certain amount of vacation
• Having your children participate in extracurricular activities

Your STBX can have different goals and that’s ok. You’ll need to compromise so that you both are able to meet your most important goals. 

Set your personal goals
Through divorce you can experience personal growth in a profound way. Below are ideas for personal goals:

• Being independent – not relying on other people for your emotional and physical needs
• Being effective at co-parenting to help your children adjust to the new structure of the family
• Becoming able to manage your finances and save for retirement
• Learning to golf, ski, spend time hiking, traveling, joining clubs, participating in outdoor activities, etc. 
• Finding a new job
• Learning the art of letting go and stress management
• Becoming comfortable with being single
• Improving your self-esteem
• Creating your new identity as a single parent or as an individual
• Developing healthy coping skills like exercise, meditation, eating right, getting good sleep, etc.

Set dating goals
If you’re interested in dating post divorce, you want to make sure that you are fully healed from the ending of your marriage. You don’t want to rush into another relationship before you’re ready. Also, your children need you so you need to be able to balance taking care of your children, work and all the other responsibilities of life. A new relationship will require your time and energy. 

Think about these questions:

• What have you learned about yourself from your marriage? 
• What have you learned about relationships? 
• What do you want in a future relationship?
• Are you ready to give up some things to be with someone?

If you need support with this, consider seeing a therapist to work through all of the grief, anger, and other emotions that you've experienced. 

It's essential to take time for yourself and do things you enjoy, whether new hobbies, travel, or just reading a new book. Take a break before dating again and think about what a healthy relationship means to you.

Once you feel like you have fully grieved and are able to have perspective about your marriage and divorce, starting to date can be a very healthy experience. Each person you meet is another opportunity to learn about what you want and how you want a new relationship to be. 

Achieving your goals
Write down your thoughts related to your goals in a journal. As you write your thoughts, you’ll process your feelings and learn more about yourself and what you want. Then you can run it by a friend, therapist or divorce coach and refine your goals to make them specific, measurable and achievable. You want to put a time frame on each of your goals so that you can be accountable to yourself. These steps will help you develop a well thought out plan to achieve your goals for your future post-divorce life.