Category: Communication

Navigating Divorce: Dealing with Mixed Signals from Your Spouse

8/22/2023

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When your marriage is having trouble and you start talking about divorce, there can be so many emotions that come up. Sometimes your spouse can send you mixed signals, leaving you feeling confused and overwhelmed. While there's no one-size-fits-all solution, there are several steps you can take to navigate this difficult situation with grace and resilience.

1. Prioritize Self-Care: Going through a difficulties in your marriage can take a toll on your emotional and physical well-being. It's essential to prioritize self-care during this time. Engage in activities that make you happy, whether it's reading, exercising, spending time with friends, or practicing mindfulness. Taking care of yourself will help you better manage the stress of the situation and think more clearly.

2. Establish Boundaries: Mixed signals from your spouse can make you feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster. Consider having an open and honest conversation about the need for clear communication and boundaries. While it may be challenging, setting limits on interactions and expectations can help reduce confusion and unnecessary stress.

3. Seek Support: You don't have to go through this alone. Reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide you with emotional support and guidance. Therapists, in particular, can help you navigate your emotions, develop coping strategies, and offer a neutral perspective on the situation.

4. Focus on What You Can Control: If your marriage is struggling, and your spouse is giving you mixed signals, you need to focus on what’s under your control. Since you can’t control what your spouse does, ask yourself, what do I want in this situation? You can control your own emotional responses, your behavior towards your spouse, and the decisions you need to make for your future. When you stop focusing on what your spouse is doing, you’ll recognize that there is a lot that you have control over.

5. Communicate Effectively: Be calm, respectful, and clear in your conversations. If you're angry, make sure that you get your thoughts organized before you talk to your spouse. Having an angry confrontation may feel good in the moment but it won't help your relationship. Express your feelings and concerns about their behavior in a respectful way, avoiding blame. Remember that communication doesn't mean you have to accept mixed signals as the norm; rather, it's an opportunity to get clear on what's going on in your relationship.

6. Consider Discernment Counseling: If one spouse is ambivalent about staying in the marriage and the other spouse wants to work on the marriage, discernment counseling can help. The goal is for each partner to have greater clarity and confidence in terms of the decision-making for the future of the relationship.

7. Embrace the Unknown: Difficulties in a marriage can be a gateway to a new chapter in your life. It can lead to working together to have a better, closer relationship. Or it can lead to separation and/or divorce which while difficult can lead to new experiences, opportunities and personal growth. Embrace the chance to redefine yourself, your goals, and your aspirations.

Remember, marriage is a unique journey for each individual couple. While dealing with mixed signals from your spouse can be incredibly challenging, these steps can provide a roadmap to help you manage the situation with resilience and grace. By prioritizing self-care, seeking support, and embracing the unknown, you can emerge from this difficult time stronger and more empowered than before.

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Four Important Tips for Effective Communication for Couples

7/24/2023

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Effective communication for couples can be difficult, especially if you don’t have good role models to learn from. In order to have good communication with your spouse, you must be willing to put your needs aside for the moment and focus on understanding your partner. Active listening means not thinking about what you’re going to say in response to the other and instead trying to really understand your spouse’s point of view. In order to have a healthy relationship, it’s so important to follow these four tips when communicating with your spouse:

1. Assume that your spouse has good intentions. No spouse wakes up in the morning saying to themselves that they want to hurt their partner. If they say something that could be taken in a negative way, don’t assume the worst. Instead, assume that they have good intentions and that you need to learn more about what they’re communicating to you.

2. Don’t tell your spouse that they’re wrong. Each person in a relationship has their own view of the situation. You may think that your partner’s view is wrong but it means that you haven't really understood what they're saying. You won’t understand how they're feeling by telling them they’re wrong. The only way to understand your partner is to you give them time to speak and truly listen to what they have to say.

3. Ask questions before making comments. Asking questions is a great way to learn more about what your spouse means and will show your spouse that you care about them. Be curious about the other’s feelings: Why do you feel that way? What is going on for you? I really want to understand. Tell me more. Questions are great way to connect with each other. Once you finish asking questions and really listen to your spouse, your spouse will feel that they really matter to you.

4. Stay present. Look at your conversation as an opportunity to learn more about your partner. Slow down and take time to think and process what’s being said. Thank your partner for sharing their feelings. Give them a hug, hold their hand or give them a kiss. Stay with them through difficult feelings. Don’t make it about you. Keep the focus on your partner.

Once you’ve completed this process for one partner, reverse roles and have the other partner use the four tips. Remember effective communication requires continuous practice and hard work. Be patient with each other and be willing to learn and grow together as you navigate the challenges and joy of your relationship.

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How to Set Boundaries with Your Ex-Spouse or Any Difficult Person

6/30/2023

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Setting boundaries with your ex-spouse or any difficult person can be complicated. Many of us are taught as children that being nice means not asking for what you want but that’s exactly what you need to do when you’re an adult, as long as it’s in a healthy, respectful way. It can be challenging to set boundaries with someone who doesn’t respect them, but it is possible with the right approach. Here are some tools that will help you set boundaries with your ex-spouse or any difficult person:

1. Identify Your Boundaries

The first step in setting boundaries is to identify them. Think about what behaviors or actions from your ex-spouse or difficult person are not acceptable to you. These may include things like name-calling, yelling, or invading your personal space. For everyone this is different. Really think about what you think is ok and what’s not ok.

2. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly

When setting boundaries, it is important to communicate them clearly. Be direct and specific about what behaviors or actions are not acceptable to you. Use “I” statements to express how their behavior makes you feel. You can’t worry about being nice - you can be respectful while not being nice and set a clear boundary. If you’re worried about how to do this, practice in a mirror or with a close friend. If you talk around an issue instead of stating it clearly, the person may not understand what your boundary is.

3. Stick to Your Boundaries

Many people communicate a boundary and think that’s the end of setting a boundary. Actually, that’s just the beginning. Once you have communicated your boundaries, it is important to stick to them by doing something. This may mean walking away from a conversation or ending a phone call if your ex-spouse or difficult person crosses a boundary. Sticking to your boundaries is the only way to show that you are serious about them.

4. Don’t Engage in Arguments
You don’t have to say anything once you’ve communicated a boundary clearly. Defending or arguing will only escalate the situation and make it more difficult to set and maintain boundaries. Stay calm and don’t get defensive when communicating your boundaries.

5. Seek Support

You may have difficulty setting boundaries because of experiences you had when you were a child when you tried to set a boundary. It’s important to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. They can provide you with emotional support and help you stay accountable to your boundaries.

Setting boundaries with your ex-spouse or any difficult person can be challenging, but with these tools, you’ll be able to set clear boundaries, avoid escalations and arguments and stick to the boundaries that you set. If you haven’t been able to set boundaries in the past, it may take some time and patience to get good at these skills. Practice using these tools and eventually you’ll be awesome at setting boundaries with everyone you need to in your life!

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Steps to Take if Your Marriage is Struggling…

5/17/2023

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Marriage is hard! It takes work, sacrifice and compromise. And it helps to have a childhood with parents who had a good marriage, which is not that common. But even if you had good roles models from your parents, you still can go through tough times in your marriage. All long-term marriages go through ups and downs. So what do you do if you’re in one of those down times?

You have several choices:

1.    Do nothing. You can detach from your partner, do your own thing and hope you both let things go. Eventually things could get better.

2.    Ask for a divorce. You’ve been unhappy for a while and you’re sick of feeling this way. You don’t know what else to do so you think that divorce is the only answer.

3.    Marriage counseling. An experienced marriage counselor can help you work through past hurts and build new skills that can improve your relationship.

4.    Marriage retreat. This is where you spend a weekend with an experienced professional, and other couples who are struggling, and work intensely on improving your marriage. You can make a lot of progress in a relatively short amount of time.

5.    Individual counseling. Individual counseling is never a bad thing to do. You’ll benefit no matter what happens to your marriage.

What if your spouse won’t agree to do anything? Then you have a limited amount of choices but you still have choices.

What if you’ve tried marriage counseling and it hasn’t worked? Then individual counseling or coaching can help you make the decision about what you want to do.

There are many people who stay in unhappy marriages because they’re too scared to do anything else. And it is scary to face your problems head on. But if you have the right support, you’ll be amazed how strong you are.

Reach out if you need someone to walk with you through this journey – whether it’s how to save your marriage or how to get yourself prepared for divorce. I’m a marriage counselor, individual therapist and coach and I can support you wherever you’d like to go. Contact me at info@divorcecoachjill.com

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Going Through a Divorce on a Budget: 5 Tips for a Less Stressful and Less Expensive Experience

2/20/2023

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Going through a divorce can be an incredibly stressful experience, especially if you are trying to do it on a budget. However, there are ways to minimize the stress and the financial impact of divorce. Here are five tips to help you have a less stressful and less expensive divorce:

1.     Be organized. Keeping track of all of your financial documents, bills, and other important information is crucial during the divorce process. Collect at least 3 years of credit card bills, bank statements and tax documents. This will help you to understand your past spending patterns and prepare a budget so that you know what you need to live on.

2.     Seek mediation instead of litigating. Mediation is often a faster, more affordable, and less adversarial option than going to court. In mediation, a neutral third party helps you and your spouse to reach an agreement on all of the issues related to your divorce, including finances, property division, and child custody.

3.     Communicate with your spouse. Communication is key to a successful divorce, especially when it comes to finances. Try to understand your soon-to-be-ex’s (STBX’s) point of view and that both of you are probably worried about finances. Try to be transparent about your financial situation and be open to negotiating a settlement that works for both of you. This can help you to avoid costly and time-consuming legal battles.

4.     Hire a divorce coach. Divorce coaches, like me, can provide support, guidance, and resources to help you navigate the divorce process. They can also help you use your attorney and other divorce professionals more efficiently. A divorce coach will help you manage your emotions so that you can make smart decisions as you go through divorce. In addition, divorce coaches can help you prepare for mediation and feel confident that you’re making the best decisions for your future.

5.     Work with your STBX to come to agreement on as much as you can without the use of attorneys, mediators or other divorce professionals. The more that you can agree to on your own, the less you’ll spend on your divorce. Divide the items in your house, talk about custody and parenting schedules and what you want to do with your cars on your own if you can.

We all know that divorce can be a stressful and expensive experience, but there are ways to minimize the stress and financial impact of divorce. If you’re organized, choose the right divorce process, communicate effectively with your STBX, hire a divorce coach and handle some of the negotiation on your own, you can have a much less stressful and less expensive divorce experience.

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How to Handle the Stress of Co-Parenting When You’re Going Through Divorce

11/28/2022

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Divorce is a difficult and overwhelming experience and can be especially challenging for those who are co-parenting with their soon-to-be-ex (STBX). You want what's best for your children but you may have difficulty communicating with your STBX. You both may have hurt, angry, and resentful feelings toward each other. There are things you can do to reduce the stress of co-parenting and make it more effective.

1. Communicate with your ex as much as necessary.

It's critical to keep the lines of communication open for the sake of your children. Schedules, pick-ups and drop-offs, extracurricular activities, medical issues and other details should be discussed. The more you can agree on in advance, the less stressful things will be when they arise. And, if disagreements do arise, try to handle them calmly. You don't want your children to see you arguing or hear negative things about their other parent. But you don't have to communicate about anything unrelated to the children. If there's something going on that you'd rather not tell your STBX, it's ok to keep it private. You're navigating a new relationship with your STBX and you can decide how much you share and how much you keep to yourself.

2. Do not use your children to communicate.

Using your children to communicate will only harm your children in the long run. Your children should never feel responsible for things that happen between their parents. If they are required to communicate because you aren’t able to, your children can feel an incredible amount of stress. It’s best to find ways to communicate including text, email and phone calls.

3. Focus on your future.

You and your STBX’s relationship is changing. You’re no longer going to be married, you’re going to be co-parents. That means that everything that happened in the past doesn’t really apply to your new relationship. Let go of the past and focus on your future as co-parents who both care about your children. Be polite and respectful no matter what your STBX does. Eventually you’ll be able to develop a healthy co-parenting relationship. Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself so that you won’t be triggered by any inappropriate text or confrontational attorney letter.

4. Talk about feelings with your children

Divorce brings up so many emotions. It’s important that you create an environment where your children can express all of their feelings, even if it’s difficult to hear. Ask your children how they’re feeling and listen to what they say. Listening without talking is an essential skill that parents need to be effective at. When your child expresses a fear, ask them to tell you more. Then ask them, “Is there anything else?” When your child is completely done talking, then you can try to address some of their concerns without minimizing them. Empathize with them and say, “I can see why you feel that way.” Be honest with your children and let them know that it’s hard for you too but let them know that you’ll all be ok. Come up with ideas together on how you can make things better. If your children feel comfortable talking about their feelings, you can all move forward and have hope for a really good future.

Final Words

Divorce is one of the most difficult things to go through in life. You have to take care of yourself to manage the stress of co-parenting. If you communicate effectively with your STBX, focus on your future and talk about feelings with your children, you will have an easier time managing the stress of divorce and co-parenting. If you’re struggling with any of this, reach out to a therapist or an experienced divorce coach.

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What is Gaslighting, and What Can You Do About it?

6/22/2022

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Are you in a relationship with someone who makes you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells? Do you think you can never do anything right and that your partner is always ready to criticize or accuse you of something? If so, then you may be experiencing gaslighting.

Unfortunately, gaslighting is a common form of emotional abuse. In this blog post, we'll discuss what gaslighting is, how to identify it, and what steps you can take to protect yourself from it.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse in which the abuser subtly or overtly undermines the reality of their partner. It is a particularly insidious form of abuse done gradually, making it difficult for the victim to detect. Even if the victim is aware that something is wrong, they may doubt themselves, believing that they are being paranoid.

Signs That You're Being Gaslighted

Listed below are common signs that your partner is gaslighting you:

Things that go wrong are always your fault
Your partner doesn’t apologize
You're told that you’re being too sensitive
You’re afraid to make simple decisions for fear that your partner will not agree
Your partner corrects you and doesn’t let little things go
You’re insecure and apologize all the time
You constantly seek acceptance from your partner
Your partner is always the victim
You question your worth
Your gut always tells you that something is not right
You lie to your partner to avoid conflict

What Can You Do About it?

Recognize the problem – It is critical to recognize the signs of gaslighting. Common examples of gaslighting:

You know that you said something to your partner and they say that you never said it so you question your own memory.
Your partner expects things from you that doesn’t seem fair but there is no way that they will compromise or empathize with you.
When your partner is angry with you, they won’t speak to you for days.
Your partner is critical of you and makes you feel bad about yourself.
Your partner doesn’t appreciate you and tells you that you don’t appreciate him or her.
What’s good for your partner to do isn’t good for you to do.
Your partner is causing you to question your own reality.
Your partner controls who you spend time with and what you do with your time.

Practice self-compassion – You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Fill your life with people who make you feel good about yourself and who will support you during difficult times. Healing from gaslighting will take time, but it is possible. You are strong and capable of overcoming this challenge.

Confront your partner – Try to have a conversation with them about it. There's a possibility they're not even aware they're doing it, and simply bringing it to their attention may be enough to get them to stop. You can also put up boundaries. If your partner treats you disrespectfully, end the conversation and let them know that you’ll speak to them when they are respectful.

Leave the relationship – It's critical to take action if you're in a relationship with someone who gaslights you and won't stop the behavior. If your partner becomes enraged or puts you in danger, you should think about ending the relationship. Remember that you’re entitled to a healthy and secure relationship.

Gaslighting can be a sign of emotional abuse, and it can have a significant impact on your mental and emotional health. If you're in a relationship with someone who is gaslighting you, a therapist or marriage counselor can work with you individually or as a couple to give you ways to improve the behavior and possibly improve the relationship.

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Five Steps to Emotional Self-Care in Divorce

1/25/2022

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Divorce is one of the most stressful experiences and involves complex emotional, financial and legal issues. In order to be able to think clearly through your divorce, it’s so important that you take care of your emotional self.

1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it

The ability to set boundaries is crucial and can be hard, especially after separating from a long-term relationship. What do healthy boundaries look like? Not doing something that feels wrong or uncomfortable is a great starting point. If your Soon-to-be-ex (STBX) tells you to do something and you don’t feel comfortable doing it, you need to be able to let him or her know that you disagree. This doesn’t mean that you should be disrespectful, it means that you can let them know that you appreciate their perspective. But in the end, you get to decide what you want to do.

2. Stay calm when you communicate with your STBX

Communication is key in any relationship, divorce included, and being calm will help you effectively communicate with your STBX. Try not to react to the emotion in the other person’s voice, this can escalate a simple conversation into an argument. Instead, recognize that you don’t have to respond right away. Take some time to breathe deeply, and think about how you want to respond. Not only will this prevent an argument, but it’s less emotionally draining on you. Lastly, if the conversation is getting escalated, remove yourself until you are both able to respond calmly.

3. Trust your instincts

Your instincts are there to tell you when a boundary is being pushed too far and it’s key to listen to them. When you can feel yourself being pushed too far or being put in an uncomfortable situation, trust when that gut feeling kicks in and walk away.

4. Don’t be afraid to say “no”

Sometimes we say yes because we feel intimidated or want to please others. Saying “no” helps to establish healthy boundaries and enables others to understand what to expect from you. When a situation arises, you might feel obligated to go along for the sake of agreement but if you say yes and then feel resentful, that’s not good for anyone. Learning to say no and not feel bad is key to taking care of your emotional self.

5. Let go of what you can’t control

You won’t be able to control everything. There are things that may happen that are not ideal for you or your children. In most cases, everything will still turn out ok, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted. Detaching and letting go are such important skills when you’re going through divorce and will save you so much stress. If you’re struggling with this, I recommend practicing mindfulness and meditation.

Caring for yourself emotionally can make a huge difference in helping you move forward through your divorce in a healthy way. When you’re able to take better care of yourself mentally and physically, your decision making will improve, you'll be able to think clearly, you’ll be able to be there for your children and you can conquer anything that comes your way!

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Strategies to Get Kids to Open Up During Divorce

10/15/2021

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When I was going through my divorce, I didn’t know what to say to my kids. I was doing my best to protect them so I didn’t share much with them about the divorce. I assumed they would open up to me if they needed to talk. Knowing what I do now, I would do things differently. Following are some key points to help kids open up during divorce.

1. Start things off with honest communication.
How you are going to communicate with your children during divorce starts when you tell them about the divorce. It’s important to tell them together - with both parents if possible - without blaming either parent. You don’t have to give too many details, but answer their questions as they come up.

Kids are focused primarily on themselves and mostly care about how the divorce will impact them. They’re typically not thinking about their parents’ feelings too much.

You can give them information like:

How their school situation may or may not change.
Reassure them that they’re going to see both parents.
Give some detail about what parts of their life are going to stay the same.

2. Create situations where your children feel they can open up.

It’s so important to be available to your kids when they want to talk. You can intentionally create situations where they’re relaxed such as when you’re driving in the car or before they go to bed. Here are some ways to encourage them to open up with you:

Ask “How are you feeling?” Open-ended questions help encourage children to talk more
There are no wrong answers- don’t tell them how or what to feel - respond with understanding and acceptance
Talk to them while doing a puzzle, legos or coloring together
Take a walk or bike ride together

3. Know what’s normal behavior and when there are signs that you should get help.

Kids live in the present moment - they’re much better at doing that than adults. When they don’t like what’s happening, they may say hurtful things to their parents. Try not to get caught up in the things they say during a stressful moment. They may seem extremely upset one day, but that doesn’t mean it’s how they’re going to feel the next day or next week. Do your best to let little things go and not to take it personally. As a parent, it’s devastating to know they’re hurting, but kids are very resilient. Their moods will not last forever.

However, there are times that you should consider reaching out for help. There are some clues to show if your child is simply upset and processing their feelings or if they are having deeper struggles. Here are some examples:

Your child is withdrawing and losing interest in activities they enjoy.
Your normally agreeable child starts arguing and acting up at home or school.
Their performance at school is declining.

These behavior changes are signals that your child isn’t coping well with the divorce and may need extra help from a counselor or professional.

The great news is that the most stressful parts of your divorce will not last forever, and that there are clear ways to keep the lines of communication open with you and your children. Many times, parents can have even deeper relationships with their kids after divorce when the strain of the marriage isn’t a part of the parent/child relationship. In the meantime, these strategies can give you a positive direction for how to get your kids to open up.

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3 Keys to Negotiating Your Divorce Successfully

9/28/2021

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One of the most important skills you need when you’re getting divorced is knowing how to successfully negotiate your agreement. What makes this so difficult is that emotions can get in the way and then you can’t think clearly. You need to be able to put your emotions aside and think clearly through your divorce negotiations. Here are 3 key points you must keep in mind to negotiate your divorce agreement well. Your divorce agreement is simply a legal business transaction.

1. Your divorce agreement is simply a legal business transaction.

This is about your financial future. You wouldn’t make a business transaction without thinking through all of your options. Take your time to think through what the best decision is without being distracted by anger or revenge. For example, do you really want that old coffee table or picture just because he wants it? Emotions block you from having clarity about your priorities and end goals. I know divorce is an emotional time and you are hurting. It is important to deal with those feelings, but learn how to separate them and put them aside for a while. Make space and time for those feelings and then put them back on the shelf so you can focus on your finances and make smart decisions through your divorce.

2. Identify and rank your top priorities.

What are your priorities? What will you fight for? NOTHING ELSE is as important as this thing! Maybe it’s your retirement account, your schedule, where you live or if you keep your house. Rank 3-4 things that are the most important and realize you probably won’t get them all. Maybe you give up the #4 priority for the #1 priority. Knowing what matters keeps you laser focused and allows you to be flexible with the hundreds of other less important decisions that come up in divorce.
Separate short term and long term priorities. An example of a short term priority would be that you need your car repaired. A long term priority would be the custody arrangements. Your top 3-4 list should be long term priorities.

3. Know your ex’s priorities and be creative!

Think about your ex’s priorities. Do you know what’s important to them? If you discuss what matters to them as well as your own priorities, you can reach an agreement much quicker.. Tell your ex, “I don’t want this to drag on forever and spend all this money on attorneys. What is it that you really want? If you can tell me, I can try and make that happen.”
If your ex won’t share, use what you know about them and be creative! Let go of things that are not your highest priority. In my divorce, I realized I was digging in on short term things like season tickets when all that truly mattered to me was the parenting schedule. My ex, as a financial planner, felt strongly about certain financial assets. In the end, I let go of things my attorney wanted for me financially because I understood what mattered to my ex and what mattered to me.

5 helpful phrases to use in your negotiations:

Remember, this is a business negotiation. Nothing that your ex has done to you in the past matters now. Use these phrases in a businesslike manner and respectful tone to better understand your ex’s priorities so you can be an educated and creative negotiator.

Can we go over this again so I can make sure I understand it correctly?
Please correct me if I am wrong but you want X,Y, Z?
My main concern is fairness.
Could we try… X,Y, Z?
I appreciate that you are willing to….

Knowing your priorities in divorce makes all the difference with negotiating your agreement. If I had been clear on my own priorities and what mattered to my ex in the beginning, I would have saved SO MUCH MONEY in lawyer fees and arguments and bickering and stress. If you use the approaches I outlined, you are well on your way to negotiating a divorce agreement that works for both of you in the end.

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Princeton divorce and co-parenting expert
BLOG

Navigating Divorce: Dealing with Mixed Signals from Your Spouse

Four Important Tips for Effective Communication for Couples

How to Set Boundaries with Your Ex-Spouse or Any Difficult Person

Steps to Take if Your Marriage is Struggling…

Going Through a Divorce on a Budget: 5 Tips for a Less Stressful and Less Expensive Experience

How to Handle the Stress of Co-Parenting When You’re Going Through Divorce

What is Gaslighting, and What Can You Do About it?

Five Steps to Emotional Self-Care in Divorce

Strategies to Get Kids to Open Up During Divorce

3 Keys to Negotiating Your Divorce Successfully

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