​Four Important Tips for Effective Communication for Couples

Effective communication for couples can be difficult, especially if you don’t have good role models to learn from. In order to have good communication with your spouse, you must be willing to put your needs aside for the moment and focus on understanding your partner. Active listening means not thinking about what you’re going to say in response to the other and instead trying to really understand your spouse’s point of view. In order to have a healthy relationship, it’s so important to follow these four tips when communicating with your spouse:

1. Assume that your spouse has good intentions. No spouse wakes up in the morning saying to themselves that they want to hurt their partner. If they say something that could be taken in a negative way, don’t assume the worst. Instead, assume that they have good intentions and that you need to learn more about what they’re communicating to you.

2. Don’t tell your spouse that they’re wrong. Each person in a relationship has their own view of the situation. You may think that your partner’s view is wrong but it means that you haven't really understood what they're saying. You won’t understand how they're feeling by telling them they’re wrong. The only way to understand your partner is to you give them time to speak and truly listen to what they have to say.

3. Ask questions before making comments. Asking questions is a great way to learn more about what your spouse means and will show your spouse that you care about them. Be curious about the other’s feelings: Why do you feel that way? What is going on for you? I really want to understand. Tell me more. Questions are great way to connect with each other. Once you finish asking questions and really listen to your spouse, your spouse will feel that they really matter to you.

4. Stay present. Look at your conversation as an opportunity to learn more about your partner. Slow down and take time to think and process what’s being said. Thank your partner for sharing their feelings. Give them a hug, hold their hand or give them a kiss. Stay with them through difficult feelings. Don’t make it about you. Keep the focus on your partner.

​Once you’ve completed this process for one partner, reverse roles and have the other partner use the four tips. Remember effective communication requires continuous practice and hard work. Be patient with each other and be willing to learn and grow together as you navigate the challenges and joy of your relationship.