Marriage is hard! It takes work, sacrifice and compromise. And it helps to have a childhood with parents who had a good marriage, which is not that common. But even if you had good roles models from your parents, you still can go through tough times in your marriage. All long-term marriages go through ups and downs. So what do you do if you’re in one of those down times?​

You have several choices:

1.     Do nothing. You can detach from your partner, do your own thing and hope you both let things go. Eventually things could get better.

2.     Ask for a divorce. You’ve been unhappy for a while and you’re sick of feeling this way. You don’t know what else to do so you think that divorce is the only answer.

3.     Marriage counseling. An experienced marriage counselor can help you work through past hurts and build new skills that can improve your relationship.

4.     Marriage retreat. This is where you spend a weekend with an experienced professional, and other couples who are struggling, and work intensely on improving your marriage. You can make a lot of progress in a relatively short amount of time.

5.     Individual counseling. Individual counseling is never a bad thing to do. You’ll benefit no matter what happens to your marriage.

What if your spouse won’t agree to do anything? Then you have a limited amount of choices but you still have choices.

What if you’ve tried marriage counseling and it hasn’t worked? Then individual counseling or coaching can help you make the decision about what you want to do.

There are many people who stay in unhappy marriages because they’re too scared to do anything else. And it is scary to face your problems head on. But if you have the right support, you’ll be amazed how strong you are.

​Reach out if you need someone to walk with you through this journey – whether it’s how to save your marriage or how to get yourself prepared for divorce. I’m a marriage counselor, individual therapist and coach and I can support you wherever you’d like to go. Contact me at info@divorcecoachjill.com

​Sometimes you may feel your relationship is going well and other times you may be worried about the strength of your relationship. It can help to take a step back and see what’s working and what’s not. Here are some areas to look at:
 

1. How do you manage conflict? Every relationship has conflict. The way that you manage conflict is one of the most important factors in assessing your relationship. When one of the partners starts a topic that leads to a conflict – is there a soft startup or does the conversation escalate quickly? Couples that keep emotions in check and soften their response to each other are able to get through the conflict without it escalating. Why do conflicts escalate? Conflicts can trigger emotions from past experiences from childhood or past relationships. In order to avoid an escalation in the conflict – raised voices and defensive or critical statements – it’s helpful to take a 10 – 20 minute break, take some deep, abdominal breathes and calm down.
2. Is there repair after conflict? After there’s a disagreement, are you willing to empathize with each other and make each other feel heard and understood? Or do you try to avoid each other until you move on. Repair after conflict is another key area for couples to work on.
3. Do you have fun? Do you use humor, playful teasing and have positive experiences together? If you have things that you like to do together, it helps you feel more connected. Research has shown that humor is a great tool to increase satisfaction in couples.
4. Are you physically affectionate? Do you hold hands, kiss for more than 6 seconds and touch each other in a loving way? These things are extremely important in relationships. A peck on the cheek is significantly different from a 6 second kiss. Try it!
5. Do you accept influence from your partner? Do you value their opinion, point of view, who they are? Do you know what your partner’s life goals and dreams are? Accepting influence could be just a short response when having a discussion such as “good point” or “fair enough”. The way that you treat each other in your everyday interactions is a key indicator of your relationship strength.

 
These five areas are important when assessing the strength of your relationship. If you’re doing most or all of these, you’re probably doing pretty well. If you need work on one or more of these areas, don’t be discouraged. These skills can be learned. You can improve the strength of your relationship yourselves or you can always try couples counseling.
 

Relationships are tricky. In order to have a healthy relationship, you must compromise. You have to give up some things that you would want and hopefully your partner also gives up some things that they want. But how much giving up is too much? How do you both give to each other while making sure that you're meeting your own needs?
 
Communication is key to finding the balance between taking care of yourself and taking care of your relationship. Make some time to talk when you’re both relaxed and can focus on the conversation. Listen to each other and try to understand the other’s point of view. If you find that your partner doesn’t allow you to have your own friends or activities, that may indicate a serious problem in your relationship. If you can have a reasonable conversation about how you can work through this issue, that’s a very good sign for the health of your relationship.
 
Too many people get into relationships and find that everything they do revolves around their partner. The problem with this is that it may work in the beginning but after some time you'll most likely feel resentful. You'll wake up and realize that you’ve become distant from all of your friends and you don’t have any outside interests. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can give of yourself to the relationship while you take care of yourself.
 
The first step is to think about what’s important to you. Prioritize the things that you do that make you happy. Is it important to attend a weekly book club with your friends? Is it important to work out every day? Is it important to spend time with your sister regularly? You probably won’t be able to do it all but you can choose some things that you value the most. You need to feel grounded and happy. If you find that you’ve given up too much and you’re starting to feel resentful, that needs to be discussed.
 
Good communication is essential to finding the right balance for your relationship. Check in with your partner regularly and make sure you’re on the same page regarding time spent together and time spent apart. If you do so, you’ll develop the basis for a really strong, connected relationship.

Most couples struggle with communication. You may spend a lot of time together with your partner but much of that is tied up with kids, work, or chores and responsibilities. At the end of the day, exhausted, you each watch your favorite program and go to sleep. In truth, very little meaningful communication occurred.
 
If that sounds familiar in your relationship, you can make some changes that will significantly improve your communication. The first step is to schedule time to communicate into your day two to three times a week. Make that time sacred so that nothing else can take priority. It doesn’t have to be that long – 30 minutes is plenty of time. Make sure there are no distractions. Then use the following guidelines to structure your communication time:

1. Start by saying something that you appreciate about the other. Hearing what is appreciated can really help you feel good about yourself and the relationship.
2. Decide if you have enough time for both of you to speak or if there’s only time for one to speak. You need at least 15 to 20 minutes for each person to speak.
3. When one person speaks, the other actively listens. Active listening is not as easy as it sounds. It involves:

• Nonverbal responses – smiling, shaking your head, eye contact
• Clearing your thoughts, focusing on the other and showing genuine interest
• No judgements
• Tolerating silence – allowing the other to think about what they want to say, form their thoughts and not feel rushed
• When the person is done, confirm that they are done with what they wanted to say. Repeat back what you think he or she meant and ask if you got it right. You can say caring statements like, “I can see how you feel that way.” Or “Wow, this is important to you.”

1. The speaker decides what they want to speak about. It could be non-emotional things like what happened during the day, news about family or a friend or future plans. Or it could be a more conflictual topic that you’ve wanted to discuss for some time. In those instances, it is best to follow these guidelines:

• Focus on you and how you feel. Try not to assume what the other is feeling or thinking.
• Give the other the benefit of the doubt. Don’t assume anything. Start the conversation with something like, “I want to bring up something so that we can understand each other better.”
• Use non-threatening language such as “I statements”. For example, “I feel frustrated when you leave the light on in your office because I always seem to be the one to turn it off. Can you try to remember to turn it off before you go to sleep?” Note the difference from, “You always leave the light on and it’s very inconsiderate.” The other person will be much more able to hear you if you can use non-threatening language.
• Thank them for listening.

 
Good communication in relationships is a skill that takes practice. It may take some time to change the way you communicate, especially if you’ve been doing it differently for a long time. But using these techniques successfully will help you communication better and as a result, you will have a closer, more connected relationship. 

​In most relationships, there is conflict. The way that you deal with conflict is so important to being close. John Gottman suggests using specific word to help people repair their relationships when there is conflict. He suggests using “I feel” statements instead of “You” statements. Saying how you feel with “I feel” statements allows the other person to hear you without becoming defensive. It’s a non-threatening way of communicating.
 
I Feel statements:

1. Please say that more gently.
2. Did I do something wrong?
3. I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?
4. I’m feeling unappreciated.
5. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?
6. I’m getting worried.
7. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
8. I’m feeling sad.

 
If the communication starts to get more intense or emotional, one of you may need to take the intensity down. When emotions are high, it’s very difficult to have a reasonable conversation. Here are some suggestions for those circumstances:
 
I Need To Calm Down:

1. I need things to be calmer right now.
2. Can you listen to me right now and try to understand?
3. Tell me you love me.
4. Can I have a hug?
5. Can I take that back?
6. Please help me calm down.
7. I am starting to feel flooded.
8. Can we talk about something else for a while?

 
Apologies and taking responsibility for your part can be really powerful, especially when they’re heartfelt. They can immediately change the intensity of the interaction and start moving you in a different direction.
 
Sorry:

1. My reactions were too extreme. Sorry about that.
2. I really blew that one.
3. Let me try again.
4. I can see my part in all of this.
5. How can I make things better?
6. Let’s try that one over again.
7. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

 
Finally, in every conflict there is a way to get to a resolution. Providing some positive comments can be very helpful in getting you to an agreement.
 
Get To Yes:

1. I agree with part of what you’re saying.
2. Let’s find our common ground.
3. I never thought of things that way.
4. I think your point of view makes sense.
5. Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.
6. My part of this problem is…
7. That’s a good point.
8. We are both saying…

 
Using these statements and tools involves being kind. Kindness is the glue to healthy relationships. Kindness is like a muscle – it’s easier to be kind the more you practice. It’s difficult to practice kindness during a fight when emotions are running high. When you’re emotional, it can be hard to think of what to say to be kind. But these kind words can be powerful tools to repair feelings during a conflict so that the end result is a much closer, more intimate relationship.