Words That Repair Conflicts

​In most relationships, there is conflict. The way that you deal with conflict is so important to being close. John Gottman suggests using specific word to help people repair their relationships when there is conflict. He suggests using “I feel” statements instead of “You” statements. Saying how you feel with “I feel” statements allows the other person to hear you without becoming defensive. It’s a non-threatening way of communicating.
 
I Feel statements:

1. Please say that more gently.
2. Did I do something wrong?
3. I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?
4. I’m feeling unappreciated.
5. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?
6. I’m getting worried.
7. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
8. I’m feeling sad.

 
If the communication starts to get more intense or emotional, one of you may need to take the intensity down. When emotions are high, it’s very difficult to have a reasonable conversation. Here are some suggestions for those circumstances:
 
I Need To Calm Down:

1. I need things to be calmer right now.
2. Can you listen to me right now and try to understand?
3. Tell me you love me.
4. Can I have a hug?
5. Can I take that back?
6. Please help me calm down.
7. I am starting to feel flooded.
8. Can we talk about something else for a while?

 
Apologies and taking responsibility for your part can be really powerful, especially when they’re heartfelt. They can immediately change the intensity of the interaction and start moving you in a different direction.
 
Sorry:

1. My reactions were too extreme. Sorry about that.
2. I really blew that one.
3. Let me try again.
4. I can see my part in all of this.
5. How can I make things better?
6. Let’s try that one over again.
7. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

 
Finally, in every conflict there is a way to get to a resolution. Providing some positive comments can be very helpful in getting you to an agreement.
 
Get To Yes:

1. I agree with part of what you’re saying.
2. Let’s find our common ground.
3. I never thought of things that way.
4. I think your point of view makes sense.
5. Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.
6. My part of this problem is…
7. That’s a good point.
8. We are both saying…

 
Using these statements and tools involves being kind. Kindness is the glue to healthy relationships. Kindness is like a muscle – it’s easier to be kind the more you practice. It’s difficult to practice kindness during a fight when emotions are running high. When you’re emotional, it can be hard to think of what to say to be kind. But these kind words can be powerful tools to repair feelings during a conflict so that the end result is a much closer, more intimate relationship.