When you are going through a divorce, you may feel hurt, guilty, alone, scared – a lot of very difficult feelings. Starting a new relationship is appealing because it can help you feel less lonely and it can provide support when it may be difficult to get support from others who don’t understand what you’re going through. However, relationships take time, energy and a lot of compromise. Thinking through what is best for you and your family will help you determine when to move forward with a new relationship.

​Some things to consider when starting a new relationship after divorce:

1. Have you mourned the loss of the marriage? Divorce is like a death and you need time to mourn, even if you wanted the divorce. You may feel sadness, anger and many other emotions that you need to go through in order to move on and be open to another relationship.
2. Have you learned what went wrong in your marriage and understand what you can do differently in your next relationship? It is important to examine your marriage and find out what you did to contribute to the issues. Usually it isn’t just one person’s fault when a marriage ends. If you don’t work on your relationship skills, you may end up repeating the problems you had in your marriage.
3. Are your children ok? If your children are struggling, they need a parent who is available both physically and emotionally. They don’t want to share you with another person who they don’t know. Determine if you can balance taking care of your children’s needs with a new relationship.

 
Look into your situation and assess where you and your children are emotionally. This will help you determine if you’re ready for a relationship.
 
There are parents who don’t consider starting a new relationship because they feel that they need to focus on their children. They feel that they can’t have a relationship at all until their children are out of the house. Although some may think that this is best for children, there can be some negative consequences to this.
 
A parent who focuses primarily on their children may find that they don’t have any time to develop their own life, hobbies, interests, friendships or take care of themself. This works for young children as they want and need their parent’s undivided attention. But as children get older, they start to develop their own life, friends and activities. If their mom or dad is solely focused on them, the children may feel responsible for their parent’s happiness and feel guilty that they don’t want to spend all their time with the parent.
 
There is a middle ground. You can have a relationship and your own life after a divorce while putting your children as a priority. One of the reasons to develop your own life outside of your children is that you are your children’s main role model. If you are happy and have a full life, it encourages your children to have that too.
 
There is no one right or wrong answer. Think through what you want and take your time with every decision. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist to help you think clearly. Balance your own needs with that of your children. You know what is best for your children and for yourself. Have faith in yourself that if you take the time and space you need, you will come up with what will be best for you and your family.

Relationships are tricky. In order to have a healthy relationship, you must compromise. You have to give up some things that you would want and hopefully your partner also gives up some things that they want. But how much giving up is too much? How do you both give to each other while making sure that you're meeting your own needs?
 
Communication is key to finding the balance between taking care of yourself and taking care of your relationship. Make some time to talk when you’re both relaxed and can focus on the conversation. Listen to each other and try to understand the other’s point of view. If you find that your partner doesn’t allow you to have your own friends or activities, that may indicate a serious problem in your relationship. If you can have a reasonable conversation about how you can work through this issue, that’s a very good sign for the health of your relationship.
 
Too many people get into relationships and find that everything they do revolves around their partner. The problem with this is that it may work in the beginning but after some time you'll most likely feel resentful. You'll wake up and realize that you’ve become distant from all of your friends and you don’t have any outside interests. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can give of yourself to the relationship while you take care of yourself.
 
The first step is to think about what’s important to you. Prioritize the things that you do that make you happy. Is it important to attend a weekly book club with your friends? Is it important to work out every day? Is it important to spend time with your sister regularly? You probably won’t be able to do it all but you can choose some things that you value the most. You need to feel grounded and happy. If you find that you’ve given up too much and you’re starting to feel resentful, that needs to be discussed.
 
Good communication is essential to finding the right balance for your relationship. Check in with your partner regularly and make sure you’re on the same page regarding time spent together and time spent apart. If you do so, you’ll develop the basis for a really strong, connected relationship.

Most couples struggle with communication. You may spend a lot of time together with your partner but much of that is tied up with kids, work, or chores and responsibilities. At the end of the day, exhausted, you each watch your favorite program and go to sleep. In truth, very little meaningful communication occurred.
 
If that sounds familiar in your relationship, you can make some changes that will significantly improve your communication. The first step is to schedule time to communicate into your day two to three times a week. Make that time sacred so that nothing else can take priority. It doesn’t have to be that long – 30 minutes is plenty of time. Make sure there are no distractions. Then use the following guidelines to structure your communication time:

1. Start by saying something that you appreciate about the other. Hearing what is appreciated can really help you feel good about yourself and the relationship.
2. Decide if you have enough time for both of you to speak or if there’s only time for one to speak. You need at least 15 to 20 minutes for each person to speak.
3. When one person speaks, the other actively listens. Active listening is not as easy as it sounds. It involves:

• Nonverbal responses – smiling, shaking your head, eye contact
• Clearing your thoughts, focusing on the other and showing genuine interest
• No judgements
• Tolerating silence – allowing the other to think about what they want to say, form their thoughts and not feel rushed
• When the person is done, confirm that they are done with what they wanted to say. Repeat back what you think he or she meant and ask if you got it right. You can say caring statements like, “I can see how you feel that way.” Or “Wow, this is important to you.”

1. The speaker decides what they want to speak about. It could be non-emotional things like what happened during the day, news about family or a friend or future plans. Or it could be a more conflictual topic that you’ve wanted to discuss for some time. In those instances, it is best to follow these guidelines:

• Focus on you and how you feel. Try not to assume what the other is feeling or thinking.
• Give the other the benefit of the doubt. Don’t assume anything. Start the conversation with something like, “I want to bring up something so that we can understand each other better.”
• Use non-threatening language such as “I statements”. For example, “I feel frustrated when you leave the light on in your office because I always seem to be the one to turn it off. Can you try to remember to turn it off before you go to sleep?” Note the difference from, “You always leave the light on and it’s very inconsiderate.” The other person will be much more able to hear you if you can use non-threatening language.
• Thank them for listening.

 
Good communication in relationships is a skill that takes practice. It may take some time to change the way you communicate, especially if you’ve been doing it differently for a long time. But using these techniques successfully will help you communication better and as a result, you will have a closer, more connected relationship. 

​In most relationships, there is conflict. The way that you deal with conflict is so important to being close. John Gottman suggests using specific word to help people repair their relationships when there is conflict. He suggests using “I feel” statements instead of “You” statements. Saying how you feel with “I feel” statements allows the other person to hear you without becoming defensive. It’s a non-threatening way of communicating.
 
I Feel statements:

1. Please say that more gently.
2. Did I do something wrong?
3. I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?
4. I’m feeling unappreciated.
5. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?
6. I’m getting worried.
7. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
8. I’m feeling sad.

 
If the communication starts to get more intense or emotional, one of you may need to take the intensity down. When emotions are high, it’s very difficult to have a reasonable conversation. Here are some suggestions for those circumstances:
 
I Need To Calm Down:

1. I need things to be calmer right now.
2. Can you listen to me right now and try to understand?
3. Tell me you love me.
4. Can I have a hug?
5. Can I take that back?
6. Please help me calm down.
7. I am starting to feel flooded.
8. Can we talk about something else for a while?

 
Apologies and taking responsibility for your part can be really powerful, especially when they’re heartfelt. They can immediately change the intensity of the interaction and start moving you in a different direction.
 
Sorry:

1. My reactions were too extreme. Sorry about that.
2. I really blew that one.
3. Let me try again.
4. I can see my part in all of this.
5. How can I make things better?
6. Let’s try that one over again.
7. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

 
Finally, in every conflict there is a way to get to a resolution. Providing some positive comments can be very helpful in getting you to an agreement.
 
Get To Yes:

1. I agree with part of what you’re saying.
2. Let’s find our common ground.
3. I never thought of things that way.
4. I think your point of view makes sense.
5. Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.
6. My part of this problem is…
7. That’s a good point.
8. We are both saying…

 
Using these statements and tools involves being kind. Kindness is the glue to healthy relationships. Kindness is like a muscle – it’s easier to be kind the more you practice. It’s difficult to practice kindness during a fight when emotions are running high. When you’re emotional, it can be hard to think of what to say to be kind. But these kind words can be powerful tools to repair feelings during a conflict so that the end result is a much closer, more intimate relationship.
 

When your partner pulls away, you may feel hurt. You may even feel a deep sense of rejection and fear that he or she doesn’t love you and may leave you.  Typically, this is an irrational feeling if your partner has shown you over time that they love you. Your partner pulling away from you is likely the result of their past experiences and circumstances. Something happened in their past that makes them pull away when they feel upset.
 
Intimate relationships are hard because there are so many complex emotions that we might not fully understand. Experiences from the past are brought up and those feelings impact your reactions. If it was just about the single incident, it wouldn’t take you long to recognize that your partner loves you and when he or she pulled away, it wasn’t due to the way they feel about you. But instead you feel that irrational rejection. So why do you have that irrational feeling?
 
These irrational feelings are usually triggered by past experience – possibly being rejected by a parent or a past partner. A part of the brain that is triggered doesn’t know the difference between the current experience and the past experience. So you feel deeply hurt and you become scared that the person will leave you. You immediately react – either fight or pull away. This may create the same feeling in your partner and, in turn, they may pull away even further. Before you know it, you are completely disconnected from each other emotionally.
 
What do we do about this? The first step is try to figure out what previous experience is coming up for you. Did you have a rejecting parent? Was your parent depressed, anxious, addicted to something or unable to meet your needs when you were a child? If so, when a partner pulls away you feel like a child again. I call it being “kicked into your kid”. You are that 8 or 10-year-old child again where you didn’t get your needs met and didn’t feel unconditional love from a parent. If you have a bad experience of being hurt by a previous relationship, when a partner pulls away you may feel scared of being hurt again. This is a little easier to understand and connect on an emotional level. But this new partner didn’t leave so it’s important to separate your feelings from your past from this current relationship.  
 
The second step is to share your feelings with your partner in a clear, non-threatening way. Use an “I message”:
 
I feel ________________ when you ____________ because _________. Would you please ______________?
 
Example:
I feel hurt when you pull away because it brings up the feelings I had when I was rejected by my mom when I was a child. Would you please let me know that you still love me?
 
This is scary to do for many people because you are making yourself extremely vulnerable. But you are also learning how to communicate your feelings which will bring you closer and will enable you to have a truly deep intimate connection with your significant other.

When you disagree with a spouse, co-worker or child, it’s easy to get emotional. Intense feelings can be triggered and the disagreement can turn into a messy fight. Things are said in the heat of the moment that you can’t take back. At that moment, it seems like you don’t have control over your brain.  Wouldn’t it be great if you were able to train your brain so this wouldn’t happen? 
 
During these interactions, we get consumed by what's called the “reptilian” part of the brain – the survival part of our brain that scans for danger multiple times per second to find potential danger lurking. That primitive part of the brain only sees two possible solutions to problems – fight or flight. The reptilian brain feeds on fear and actually shuts off the creative problem-solving part of the brain. Your heart starts racing, you get flushed and your voice starts getting louder. The other person responds in the same way and the interaction escalates.
 
When your creative thinking area of the brain is shut off, you won’t be able to come to a compromise or handle the situation in the best manner. So what do you do to train your brain not to respond this way? The main technique to learn is to slow your brain down. To be able to do that you literally have to remove yourself from the heated situation by saying, “I need some time…” Give yourself the time and space to slow down. Take deep abdominal breaths, go for a walk, listen to music or call a friend. It may take anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes. Once your brain is functioning slower, you may be able to think of a solution. Or you may realize that you don’t need to come up with a solution right away – you may be able to give yourself a few days or more to find a compromise.
 
Training your brain this way takes time and practice. Don’t get discouraged if you can’t do it right away. Tell yourself, “I’ve got this, I can do this.” Eventually you’ll learn this technique and you’ll find that your newly trained brain will help you tremendously in many different areas of your life. 

Most people who are thinking about divorce are extremely conflicted. Some days you feel confident that divorce is the right decision but other days you question whether or not you could be making a mistake.  It may be on your mind for years.  There are so many things that change when you decide to divorce.  It’s absolutely normal to be unsure and to question yourself about this important decision. 
​
Even if you’ve spoken to your spouse or a lawyer about divorce, you may not be ready to make that decision.  Guilt about the impact on the children, fear of financial instability and fear of being alone could be significant factors in the decision of whether or not to divorce. The decision to divorce is one of the most difficult decisions a person can make with consequences that last for a lifetime. 

It is extremely important to think through the decision rationally and to try not to let emotions get in the way.  Fear, anger, resentment and loss can be so intense that you may not see things clearly. If you can work through these feelings with a friend, therapist or divorce coach, you will be better able to make an informed, rational decision that you will be able to live with for the rest of your life.
The following are factors that you should consider before divorce:

1. Do you still have feelings for your partner? Many people struggle in relationships with fighting, anger and resentment building up year after year.  But if you go away for vacation together, do you get along well?  Do you remember why you first fell in love with this person?  Have you gone to counseling to try to work on the relationship?  Relationships are not easy – there are ups and downs over the years.  Is this just a down time in your relationship or has it been this way for a long time?  If you haven’t lost the strong feelings for your partner, you may want to think about working on the relationship before thinking about divorce.2. Are you emotionally ready for divorce?
2. Are you ready to go through the stressful and emotional experience of divorce or are you just frustrated and want the other person to take you seriously? Are you ready to let go of the relationship and the person?  Can you acknowledge that it is both of your responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship?  Have you threatened divorce before in your relationship and not followed through? It can be extremely damaging to a relationship to threaten divorce if it's not something that you truly mean. If it is just a threat, that can be leading to some of the problems in the relationship. If you’re not ready to go through the steps toward divorce, try to stop the threatening and think about starting to work on the relationship.
3. What do you want from the divorce? Do you think that you can find someone else who you will be happier with than your current partner?  If you think that it will be better and easier with someone else and that’s what you want from the divorce, you need to look at all of the consequences of the decision.  Being without a partner is something that you need to think about.  Would you rather be alone than be with this person?  How would you handle being alone?  Do you have the support in place right now to help you through this experience? If you have children, you will always be connected to your ex. How are you going to handle this? Have you thought about finances? Thinking about what you want your future to look like can help you gather the information you need to make an informed, rational decision on whether or not to divorce.

If you have thought through these questions and still feel that divorce is the right decision, then you’re probably ready to start the process.  If you need help with making this decision, a therapist or divorce coach can help you think through these issues in a calm, rational and confidential way.  You are the only person who can make this decision but it can make a difference if you have support throughout the process.

Being close with another person is one of the most satisfying parts of the human experience.  According to the article in Psychology Today, Getting Close, social isolation or the lack of close relationships is as much a risk factor for mortality as smoking.  The wider our social support network, the better our chances of warding off obesity, high blood pressure and other corrosive conditions.  The degree of support people feel they have from family, friends and significant others actually counteracts serious health risks.
 
But today, we have more difficulty than ever in maintaining close relationships.  There are so many reasons why it's hard to develop close relationships  - we are busy with school or work, we have distractions like surfing the Internet or playing video games , or we just don't know how to meet people.  Maybe we're scared to be rejected so we don't reach out.  These road blocks to intimacy are significant so it truly takes an effort to put yourself out there to become closer to others.
 
Closeness and intimacy begin when a person shares something emotionally meaningful with someone else.  The sharer is taking a chance that the other will respond in a positive, accepting manner.  If this doesn't happen, we can feel hurt and rejected.  However, if we can put it into perspective and recognize that this person isn't the only person available to be close to, we can get over it quickly and try again.  Eventually we will find someone who will respond in the manner we need them to. It takes courage to do this but the benefits of feeling closer outweigh the risks.  Some ways to make connections in order to increase close relationships:

• Join a group around an interest or hobby such as hiking or bird watching
• Attend religious services and get involved in activities there
• Take a class at a local college or adult school
• Take an exercise or yoga class
• Volunteer for an organization
• Join a sports league such as tennis or soccer

 
I want to highlight volunteering as I believe that everyone should volunteer their time if they can.  The benefits of helping others cannot be overemphasized.  It is a wonderful way to meet and connect with people but it also helps us feel valued and gives us perspective on our own lives.  Volunteering and all of the other suggestions above are wonderful ways to make connections and increase close relationships.  With a little bit of effort, we can develop closeness and intimacy, have a more satisfying life and ward off disease.  

Typically couples start marriage counseling when it's too late - after an affair, when they're thinking about divorce, when there are years and years of anger and resentment built up.  Although counseling can help a couple at almost any time, the sooner you start counseling, the more likely the couple will be able to make significant positive changes in their relationship.

The best time to start couples counseling is when you first see signs of issues.  Even before there are any issues, most couples can benefit from counseling.  During one of my sessions with a couple, one client said, "I wish I had known this years ago."  If couples were to start couples counseling early on then they can avoid issues that can develop over time.  Here are some signs that couples counseling is a good option:

1. When you're not talking
2. When you don't feel like your partner hears you
3. When you're communicating in a negative way - where you feel judged, shamed, disregarded or the tone of communication is condescending or sarcastic
4. When affection is withheld as punishment
5. When you see your partner as an adversary
6. When you keep secrets
7. When you're considering having an affair
8. When you find you're staying together for the children

Couples counseling can be a safe place to learn how to heal through awareness, compassion and behavior change.  When couples are committed to the process, they can develop a truly connected relationship where they remember why they fell in love.

I am quoted in an article in the 2016 Central Jersey Family Living.  It's titled, "Making Time to Bond" and it outlines how mother-son and father-daughter time is important.  You may not have seen it because it's at the back of the magazine but if you have it, take a look.  The article describes how it's easier to spend time with the same sex child - fathers take their sons to ballgames and mothers take their daughters for manicures.  This may be true in some cases.  What it didn't go into was that each child and parent relationship is so unique that it's difficult to generalize.  Some mothers are more connected to their sons and find it easier to spend time with them while some dads are more connected to their daughters.  It's so dependent upon the personality of the child and parent that it's better to discuss how important it is to spend focused time with your child.

The child can feel so special by a parent doing something that the child really enjoys.  It really does a lot for a child's self-esteem if the parent regularly listens to the child and spends quality time doing what the child likes to do.  This doesn't have to be every day - once a week is enough.  But taking an hour or two once a week gives the child a gift that will last a lifetime.  

​What do you do with your child to make them feel special?