Communicating With Your Partner

Most couples struggle with communication. You may spend a lot of time together with your partner but much of that is tied up with kids, work, or chores and responsibilities. At the end of the day, exhausted, you each watch your favorite program and go to sleep. In truth, very little meaningful communication occurred.
 
If that sounds familiar in your relationship, you can make some changes that will significantly improve your communication. The first step is to schedule time to communicate into your day two to three times a week. Make that time sacred so that nothing else can take priority. It doesn’t have to be that long – 30 minutes is plenty of time. Make sure there are no distractions. Then use the following guidelines to structure your communication time:

1. Start by saying something that you appreciate about the other. Hearing what is appreciated can really help you feel good about yourself and the relationship.
2. Decide if you have enough time for both of you to speak or if there’s only time for one to speak. You need at least 15 to 20 minutes for each person to speak.
3. When one person speaks, the other actively listens. Active listening is not as easy as it sounds. It involves:

• Nonverbal responses – smiling, shaking your head, eye contact
• Clearing your thoughts, focusing on the other and showing genuine interest
• No judgements
• Tolerating silence – allowing the other to think about what they want to say, form their thoughts and not feel rushed
• When the person is done, confirm that they are done with what they wanted to say. Repeat back what you think he or she meant and ask if you got it right. You can say caring statements like, “I can see how you feel that way.” Or “Wow, this is important to you.”

1. The speaker decides what they want to speak about. It could be non-emotional things like what happened during the day, news about family or a friend or future plans. Or it could be a more conflictual topic that you’ve wanted to discuss for some time. In those instances, it is best to follow these guidelines:

• Focus on you and how you feel. Try not to assume what the other is feeling or thinking.
• Give the other the benefit of the doubt. Don’t assume anything. Start the conversation with something like, “I want to bring up something so that we can understand each other better.”
• Use non-threatening language such as “I statements”. For example, “I feel frustrated when you leave the light on in your office because I always seem to be the one to turn it off. Can you try to remember to turn it off before you go to sleep?” Note the difference from, “You always leave the light on and it’s very inconsiderate.” The other person will be much more able to hear you if you can use non-threatening language.
• Thank them for listening.

 
Good communication in relationships is a skill that takes practice. It may take some time to change the way you communicate, especially if you’ve been doing it differently for a long time. But using these techniques successfully will help you communication better and as a result, you will have a closer, more connected relationship.