5 Tips to Manage a High Conflict Ex

Does every communication with your ex end in you feeling frustrated and emotional? Then your ex is probably a high conflict person. Divorce is hard enough when both parties are reasonable. Throw a high-conflict ex into the mix and it can feel unbearable. Communicating peacefully with a high-conflict ex may seem impossible, but there are things you can do to communicate effectively and navigate this process with less stress.
 
Here are tips to keep in mind when communicating with a high-conflict ex: 

1. Speak with empathy. High-conflict people are particularly sensitive to being ignored or misunderstood. Respond with something empathetic even if you think it’s ridiculous. “It sounds like you’re concerned that Mary isn’t spending enough time reading when she’s with me. I understand your concern.” This can decrease the intensity of the conversation and diffuse the situation.
   
2. Be brief. Keep it short and to the point. Don’t defend yourself and keep your focus on the topic at hand. High conflict people communicate in a way that brings you into a conflict spiral. Don’t let them.
   
3. Focus on the facts. Avoid sarcasm, threats or personal remarks. Anything that you say that attacks the person will escalate the conflict.
   
4. Keep a pleasant tone. No matter how they treat you, answer in a friendly way. Say something like, “Thank you for your response.” Or “I appreciate your opinion.” This can be difficult when you’re feeling angry and frustrated. Remind yourself that your focus is on your children, not each other.
   
5. Be firm.  In a non-threatening way, clearly tell the person your position on the issue. “That’s all I’m going to say on the issue.” Sound confident and don’t ask any questions to avoid more back and forth. 

You can do this! Your children are worth the effort. If you can use these tips successfully, conflict between you and your ex will decrease and you and your children will benefit.