Is a Happy Blended Family Possible?

​Many clients seek counseling because they’re having difficulty with combining two families after divorce. They have children who are different ages, have different needs and personalities and they find it overwhelming and stressful. It’s not surprising considering how difficult it is raising children in intact families where there hasn’t been divorce!
 
Despite the difficulties, it is possible to have a happy family even if you have children from two different marriages. Some of the ways to make this situation successful are as follows:

1. Take time to get to know your partner. You don’t really get to know someone until you’re dating for over a year. I recommend 1 to 1 ½ years of dating before you can assess whether this person is for you. After that amount of time, you’ll probably know most of their faults and can decide whether or not you want to jump into a long term, committed relationship with them. Therefore, if possible, it’s better to wait to blend families until you’re sure of that commitment.
2. Don’t rush introducing the children to your partner. Children don’t need to meet everyone you’re dating. Wait until you know it’s a serious relationship before you introduce them to your children. If you date someone, they meet your children and then you break up, it could be another loss for your children, particularly if they were emotionally connected to them.
3. Know what your children need and make them a priority. For example, if children, especially young children, need one on one time with a parent, make sure that you prioritize that in your schedule. This is particularly true following a divorce as children are vulnerable and may need extra attention. Children need to feel important in your life. If you’re regularly making your children feel important, you’ll then be able to take time for yourself and they’ll be ok.
4. Make the new relationship a priority also. This can be difficult to manage when there are so many things pulling at your time and attention. But if you can schedule a date night with your partner once a week, that will help you maintain the connection in your relationship. Even if the date night is at home after the kids go to bed, that could work. Turn off all of the phones and computers, light a candle, make some tea and really focus on each other. You’ll be amazed at how much you both need that connection.
5. Try to stay out of the way of how your partner parents unless they want you involved. Everyone has their own style of parenting. Even if your partner’s style of parenting is different from how you parent, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. Each of you must respect the other’s way of interacting with their children.
6. Learn how to communicate effectively. When one member of the family is upset, talk about it respectfully and truly listen to each other. Make sure there are opportunities for each family member to express how they feel and feel validated. This can be accomplished through weekly family meetings with an agenda for the meetings determined by all family members. You can have a list of agenda items that are added to during the week. There should also be a group text and a family calendar where the family can clearly communicate with each other.

 
These suggestions will help you develop a closer family when you have partners that have children from previous marriages/relationships. If these techniques don’t work, family counseling with an experienced therapist is an option. However, if you make children and your relationship a priority, respect boundaries and communicate effectively, you’ll be far along the way to having a happy blended family!