Are you frustrated because your partner never seems to hear what you're saying? Do they only see their point of view? You might be dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists have trouble listening and understanding others because they are so focused on themselves. To effectively communicate with a narcissist, you need to understand their perspective and use tactics that will get their attention. Here are some tips to help you get started.
Don't take things personally
When dealing with a narcissist, know that their behavior has nothing to do with you. Narcissists are driven by a deep sense of insecurity and may resort to manipulation or bullying to feel superior. Therefore, it’s crucial to remind yourself that their misbehavior is not a reflection of your character but rather the result of inner conflicts and personal struggles.
When you disagree with a narcissist, it isn’t usually doesn’t go well. Therefore, if you’re going to talk about something you disagree about, you should choose what’s most important and let everything else go. A narcissist will do anything to make you feel small and insignificant and an argument is a great opportunity for them to do that.
Keep interactions brief
When dealing with a narcissist, it's best to keep your interactions as brief as possible. Listen more than you speak and don’t reveal any unnecessary personal information. Keep a half-smile on your face and pay attention.
Focus on the topic at hand
When you get into a conversation with a narcissist, you may notice that they consistently go on tangents, talking about things that are unrelated to the original topic. This is because they feel more powerful the more that you listen to them. As you become aware of this behavior, you can politely steer the conversation back to the original topic.
Avoid getting affected by the insult
Narcissists are masters of manipulation. They know what to say to get you into an argument. And they'll use everything against you, from past mistakes to current actions. To deal with a narcissist, ignore their insults; this will diffuse the situation and avoid a fight. If you engage with the narcissist, they will only hurt you more. Don't feel compelled to explain or defend yourself. Just bite your tongue and focus on what you need to talk about. If all else fails, make up a reason to end the conversation.
Remain calm and compliment
Remain calm when engaging with a narcissist by practicing deep abdominal breaths. This will enable you to think through how you’ll respond instead of reacting emotionally. You’ll more able to implement the above techniques. Also, make positive statements about the narcissist and be extremely polite. This will help them see you not as an enemy and therefore they may be less adversarial with you.
The narcissist is a difficult person to have a conversation with, but there are ways to make it work. Remember not to take things personally and remain calm so that you can think through how to respond rather than reacting emotionally and defensively. With practice, you’ll get better at being able to lessen the conflict and avoid being drawn into negative interactions.
As you go through your divorce, imagining life post-divorce can be difficult. You can get caught up in the day to day challenges and lose sight of what your life will look like after you’re legally divorced. One of the best ways to make the transition easier is to set goals for yourself. Doing so will help you focus on what's important and keep you moving forward. Here are a few tips on setting goals during a separation or divorce.
Keep your goals focused on what you want your future life to look like
Give yourself some time to think about your future life - post divorce. Write down where you’d like to live, what you’d like to be doing, how you’ll spend time with your children, and anything that you can think of that will make the next chapter of your life what you want it to be. If you’re having trouble with this, enlist a friend, a therapist with expertise in divorce or a divorce coach to help you. A therapist with expertise in divorce and a divorce coach are specifically trained to provide you the space and the tools to help you determine what you want in your divorce.
This step is key because you need to know what you ultimately want in your divorce in order to negotiate with your soon-to-be-ex (STBX). Too many people hire attorneys and ask their attorneys what they should fight for. Attorneys are trained in the law, not in helping people develop their divorce goals.
Divorce goals to consider:
Your STBX can have different goals and that’s ok. You’ll need to compromise so that you both are able to meet your most important goals.
Set your personal goals
Through divorce you can experience personal growth in a profound way. Below are ideas for personal goals:
Set dating goals
If you’re interested in dating post divorce, you want to make sure that you are fully healed from the ending of your marriage. You don’t want to rush into another relationship before you’re ready. Also, your children need you so you need to be able to balance taking care of your children, work and all the other responsibilities of life. A new relationship will require your time and energy.
Think about these questions:
If you need support with this, consider seeing a therapist to work through all of the grief, anger, and other emotions that you've experienced.
It's essential to take time for yourself and do things you enjoy, whether new hobbies, travel, or just reading a new book. Take a break before dating again and think about what a healthy relationship means to you.
Once you feel like you have fully grieved and are able to have perspective about your marriage and divorce, starting to date can be a very healthy experience. Each person you meet is another opportunity to learn about what you want and how you want a new relationship to be.
Achieving your goals
Write down your thoughts related to your goals in a journal. As you write your thoughts, you’ll process your feelings and learn more about yourself and what you want. Then you can run it by a friend, therapist or divorce coach and refine your goals to make them specific, measurable and achievable. You want to put a time frame on each of your goals so that you can be accountable to yourself. These steps will help you develop a well thought out plan to achieve your goals for your future post-divorce life.
Are you unhappy in your marriage and thinking about divorce? Research shows that a person thinks about divorce for an average of 7 years before making the decision to divorce. Divorce is one of the most difficult decisions and it makes sense to consider the following before making a final decision:
Jill Barnett Kaufman, MSW, LCSW and Certified Parent Educator is an experienced clinician who helps clients discover new ways to resolve a variety of challenges and bring more happiness and peace into their lives.