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Navigating Divorce: Dealing with Mixed Signals from Your Spouse

8/22/2023

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When your marriage is having trouble and you start talking about divorce, there can be so many emotions that come up. Sometimes your spouse can send you mixed signals, leaving you feeling confused and overwhelmed. While there's no one-size-fits-all solution, there are several steps you can take to navigate this difficult situation with grace and resilience.

1. Prioritize Self-Care: Going through a difficulties in your marriage can take a toll on your emotional and physical well-being. It's essential to prioritize self-care during this time. Engage in activities that make you happy, whether it's reading, exercising, spending time with friends, or practicing mindfulness. Taking care of yourself will help you better manage the stress of the situation and think more clearly.

2. Establish Boundaries: Mixed signals from your spouse can make you feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster. Consider having an open and honest conversation about the need for clear communication and boundaries. While it may be challenging, setting limits on interactions and expectations can help reduce confusion and unnecessary stress.

3. Seek Support: You don't have to go through this alone. Reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide you with emotional support and guidance. Therapists, in particular, can help you navigate your emotions, develop coping strategies, and offer a neutral perspective on the situation.

4. Focus on What You Can Control: If your marriage is struggling, and your spouse is giving you mixed signals, you need to focus on what’s under your control. Since you can’t control what your spouse does, ask yourself, what do I want in this situation? You can control your own emotional responses, your behavior towards your spouse, and the decisions you need to make for your future. When you stop focusing on what your spouse is doing, you’ll recognize that there is a lot that you have control over.

5. Communicate Effectively: Be calm, respectful, and clear in your conversations. If you're angry, make sure that you get your thoughts organized before you talk to your spouse. Having an angry confrontation may feel good in the moment but it won't help your relationship. Express your feelings and concerns about their behavior in a respectful way, avoiding blame. Remember that communication doesn't mean you have to accept mixed signals as the norm; rather, it's an opportunity to get clear on what's going on in your relationship.

6. Consider Discernment Counseling: If one spouse is ambivalent about staying in the marriage and the other spouse wants to work on the marriage, discernment counseling can help. The goal is for each partner to have greater clarity and confidence in terms of the decision-making for the future of the relationship.

7. Embrace the Unknown: Difficulties in a marriage can be a gateway to a new chapter in your life. It can lead to working together to have a better, closer relationship. Or it can lead to separation and/or divorce which while difficult can lead to new experiences, opportunities and personal growth. Embrace the chance to redefine yourself, your goals, and your aspirations.

Remember, marriage is a unique journey for each individual couple. While dealing with mixed signals from your spouse can be incredibly challenging, these steps can provide a roadmap to help you manage the situation with resilience and grace. By prioritizing self-care, seeking support, and embracing the unknown, you can emerge from this difficult time stronger and more empowered than before.

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Four Important Tips for Effective Communication for Couples

7/24/2023

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Effective communication for couples can be difficult, especially if you don’t have good role models to learn from. In order to have good communication with your spouse, you must be willing to put your needs aside for the moment and focus on understanding your partner. Active listening means not thinking about what you’re going to say in response to the other and instead trying to really understand your spouse’s point of view. In order to have a healthy relationship, it’s so important to follow these four tips when communicating with your spouse:

1. Assume that your spouse has good intentions. No spouse wakes up in the morning saying to themselves that they want to hurt their partner. If they say something that could be taken in a negative way, don’t assume the worst. Instead, assume that they have good intentions and that you need to learn more about what they’re communicating to you.

2. Don’t tell your spouse that they’re wrong. Each person in a relationship has their own view of the situation. You may think that your partner’s view is wrong but it means that you haven't really understood what they're saying. You won’t understand how they're feeling by telling them they’re wrong. The only way to understand your partner is to you give them time to speak and truly listen to what they have to say.

3. Ask questions before making comments. Asking questions is a great way to learn more about what your spouse means and will show your spouse that you care about them. Be curious about the other’s feelings: Why do you feel that way? What is going on for you? I really want to understand. Tell me more. Questions are great way to connect with each other. Once you finish asking questions and really listen to your spouse, your spouse will feel that they really matter to you.

4. Stay present. Look at your conversation as an opportunity to learn more about your partner. Slow down and take time to think and process what’s being said. Thank your partner for sharing their feelings. Give them a hug, hold their hand or give them a kiss. Stay with them through difficult feelings. Don’t make it about you. Keep the focus on your partner.

Once you’ve completed this process for one partner, reverse roles and have the other partner use the four tips. Remember effective communication requires continuous practice and hard work. Be patient with each other and be willing to learn and grow together as you navigate the challenges and joy of your relationship.

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How to Set Boundaries with Your Ex-Spouse or Any Difficult Person

6/30/2023

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Setting boundaries with your ex-spouse or any difficult person can be complicated. Many of us are taught as children that being nice means not asking for what you want but that’s exactly what you need to do when you’re an adult, as long as it’s in a healthy, respectful way. It can be challenging to set boundaries with someone who doesn’t respect them, but it is possible with the right approach. Here are some tools that will help you set boundaries with your ex-spouse or any difficult person:

1. Identify Your Boundaries

The first step in setting boundaries is to identify them. Think about what behaviors or actions from your ex-spouse or difficult person are not acceptable to you. These may include things like name-calling, yelling, or invading your personal space. For everyone this is different. Really think about what you think is ok and what’s not ok.

2. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly

When setting boundaries, it is important to communicate them clearly. Be direct and specific about what behaviors or actions are not acceptable to you. Use “I” statements to express how their behavior makes you feel. You can’t worry about being nice - you can be respectful while not being nice and set a clear boundary. If you’re worried about how to do this, practice in a mirror or with a close friend. If you talk around an issue instead of stating it clearly, the person may not understand what your boundary is.

3. Stick to Your Boundaries

Many people communicate a boundary and think that’s the end of setting a boundary. Actually, that’s just the beginning. Once you have communicated your boundaries, it is important to stick to them by doing something. This may mean walking away from a conversation or ending a phone call if your ex-spouse or difficult person crosses a boundary. Sticking to your boundaries is the only way to show that you are serious about them.

4. Don’t Engage in Arguments
You don’t have to say anything once you’ve communicated a boundary clearly. Defending or arguing will only escalate the situation and make it more difficult to set and maintain boundaries. Stay calm and don’t get defensive when communicating your boundaries.

5. Seek Support

You may have difficulty setting boundaries because of experiences you had when you were a child when you tried to set a boundary. It’s important to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. They can provide you with emotional support and help you stay accountable to your boundaries.

Setting boundaries with your ex-spouse or any difficult person can be challenging, but with these tools, you’ll be able to set clear boundaries, avoid escalations and arguments and stick to the boundaries that you set. If you haven’t been able to set boundaries in the past, it may take some time and patience to get good at these skills. Practice using these tools and eventually you’ll be awesome at setting boundaries with everyone you need to in your life!

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Steps to Take if Your Marriage is Struggling…

5/17/2023

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Marriage is hard! It takes work, sacrifice and compromise. And it helps to have a childhood with parents who had a good marriage, which is not that common. But even if you had good roles models from your parents, you still can go through tough times in your marriage. All long-term marriages go through ups and downs. So what do you do if you’re in one of those down times?

You have several choices:

1.    Do nothing. You can detach from your partner, do your own thing and hope you both let things go. Eventually things could get better.

2.    Ask for a divorce. You’ve been unhappy for a while and you’re sick of feeling this way. You don’t know what else to do so you think that divorce is the only answer.

3.    Marriage counseling. An experienced marriage counselor can help you work through past hurts and build new skills that can improve your relationship.

4.    Marriage retreat. This is where you spend a weekend with an experienced professional, and other couples who are struggling, and work intensely on improving your marriage. You can make a lot of progress in a relatively short amount of time.

5.    Individual counseling. Individual counseling is never a bad thing to do. You’ll benefit no matter what happens to your marriage.

What if your spouse won’t agree to do anything? Then you have a limited amount of choices but you still have choices.

What if you’ve tried marriage counseling and it hasn’t worked? Then individual counseling or coaching can help you make the decision about what you want to do.

There are many people who stay in unhappy marriages because they’re too scared to do anything else. And it is scary to face your problems head on. But if you have the right support, you’ll be amazed how strong you are.

Reach out if you need someone to walk with you through this journey – whether it’s how to save your marriage or how to get yourself prepared for divorce. I’m a marriage counselor, individual therapist and coach and I can support you wherever you’d like to go. Contact me at info@divorcecoachjill.com

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What Do You Do When Your Spouse Says They Want a Divorce?

4/23/2023

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If your spouse tells you they want a divorce, the first thing that you have to determine is if they’re serious. Many married people talk about divorce but don’t really mean it, which is really bad for a relationship. If your spouse has been doing that, you need to make sure they know that it’s not ok to talk about divorce unless they’re absolutely sure that’s what they want.

If your spouse is serious, here are some things that you can do:

Stay calm. It’s so important to stay calm. When you’re emotional, you say and do things that you may regret. To avoid that, take some deep breaths, go on a walk, meditate, call a friend, play with your kids. Find a way to get peaceful and in the present moment. Once you’re peaceful, you’ll be able to think clearly and determine what your next steps should be.

See if your spouse is open to getting help. Whether or not you actually go through with divorce, counseling is helpful. When one spouse wants to stay in the marriage and one wants to leave, discernment counseling can help you both work through those difficult emotions. If you’ve both agreed to the divorce, conscious uncoupling is a way to divorce while being amicable. Marriage counseling is for couples who want to work on the marriage.

Educate yourself. Speak to a divorce coach who can help you develop a plan to get through your divorce. A divorce coach will educate you on the process, help you find appropriate divorce professionals, help you organize your finances and help you take the steps you need to take to get to an agreement with your STBX (soon-to-be-ex).

Get support. Talk to family or friends that you trust and let them know what’s going on. Join a support group (I run a FB group, Separation and Divorce Support Community) or work with a therapist. There’s a lot of support out there for you.

When your spouse tells you they want a divorce, it can be completely overwhelming. Remember to stay calm, educate yourself and get support so that you’ll be able to think clearly and not emotionally and move forward in a constructive way.

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Three Steps to Finding Happiness Again When You’re Divorcing

3/31/2023

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Going through divorce can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life. It's easy to feel overwhelmed, stressed, and uncertain about what the future holds. However, it's important to remember that divorce doesn't have to mean the end of happiness. By taking proactive steps to care for yourself and your emotional well-being, it's possible to find happiness again, even during the divorce process.

One powerful tool for finding happiness during a divorce is divorce coaching. A divorce coach is a trained professional who can provide guidance, support, and resources to help you navigate the emotional and practical aspects of the divorce process. A divorce coach can help you manage your emotions, communicate effectively with your ex-spouse, and develop a plan for the future that meets your needs and goals.

Here are three steps you can take to find happiness again during a divorce:

1. Take time for self-care: Divorce is a stressful and emotional experience, and it's important to take care of yourself during this time. Make time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with friends and family.

2. Focus on the positive: When going through a divorce, it's easy to get caught up in negative thoughts and emotions. Instead, focus on the positive aspects of your life and the things you are grateful for. Practicing gratitude can help shift your mindset and improve your overall well-being.

3. Develop a plan for the future: While divorce can be a difficult process, it's also an opportunity to create a new life for yourself. Take time to think about your goals and aspirations for the future, and work with a divorce coach to develop a plan that aligns with your vision.

If you're going through divorce and want support and guidance to find happiness again, I can help. As a divorce coach, I offer personalized support and resources to help you navigate the challenges of divorce and create a plan for a brighter future. Contact me today to schedule a consultation and learn more about how divorce coaching can benefit you.

To contact me for divorce coaching, visit my website at www.divorcecoachjill.com. You can schedule a consultation to learn more about my services and how I can help you through this challenging time. With my support and guidance, you can find happiness again during and after the divorce process.

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Going Through a Divorce on a Budget: 5 Tips for a Less Stressful and Less Expensive Experience

2/20/2023

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Going through a divorce can be an incredibly stressful experience, especially if you are trying to do it on a budget. However, there are ways to minimize the stress and the financial impact of divorce. Here are five tips to help you have a less stressful and less expensive divorce:

1.     Be organized. Keeping track of all of your financial documents, bills, and other important information is crucial during the divorce process. Collect at least 3 years of credit card bills, bank statements and tax documents. This will help you to understand your past spending patterns and prepare a budget so that you know what you need to live on.

2.     Seek mediation instead of litigating. Mediation is often a faster, more affordable, and less adversarial option than going to court. In mediation, a neutral third party helps you and your spouse to reach an agreement on all of the issues related to your divorce, including finances, property division, and child custody.

3.     Communicate with your spouse. Communication is key to a successful divorce, especially when it comes to finances. Try to understand your soon-to-be-ex’s (STBX’s) point of view and that both of you are probably worried about finances. Try to be transparent about your financial situation and be open to negotiating a settlement that works for both of you. This can help you to avoid costly and time-consuming legal battles.

4.     Hire a divorce coach. Divorce coaches, like me, can provide support, guidance, and resources to help you navigate the divorce process. They can also help you use your attorney and other divorce professionals more efficiently. A divorce coach will help you manage your emotions so that you can make smart decisions as you go through divorce. In addition, divorce coaches can help you prepare for mediation and feel confident that you’re making the best decisions for your future.

5.     Work with your STBX to come to agreement on as much as you can without the use of attorneys, mediators or other divorce professionals. The more that you can agree to on your own, the less you’ll spend on your divorce. Divide the items in your house, talk about custody and parenting schedules and what you want to do with your cars on your own if you can.

We all know that divorce can be a stressful and expensive experience, but there are ways to minimize the stress and financial impact of divorce. If you’re organized, choose the right divorce process, communicate effectively with your STBX, hire a divorce coach and handle some of the negotiation on your own, you can have a much less stressful and less expensive divorce experience.

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Tips on Creating a Support Network During Divorce

1/24/2023

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Divorce can be a difficult and lonely experience. Having a strong support network during divorce can make a world of difference. Building a support network can be tricky as people going through divorce can feel shame about the divorce and can isolate themselves. Below are several ways to create a supportive network during a divorce.

Friends and Family

Your support network should include people who are understanding, non-judgmental, and have your best interests at heart. These people could include close friends, family and others in your network such as mentors or religious professionals. It’s important that you let them know what you need from them because they may not know how to help you. Do you need them to listen? Do you want advice? Do you just need them to help with the kids? Clearly communicating what would help you the most is key to having the right support around you during divorce.

Community

While friends and family are an important party of your support network, they may not understand what you’re going through. If they haven’t been through divorce, they probably don’t really know how overwhelming and devastating divorce is. They may say the wrong thing or be so consumed with their own feelings that they can’t support you.

That’s why support groups and other divorce communities can be so helpful. There are many online and in-person divorce support groups and communities. Connecting with others going through divorce helps you recognize that you’re not the only one who’s feeling so devastated. It can help with the healing process. Listening to others stories and hearing about others who’ve survived divorce can give you hope for the future. They can share what has worked for them and what hasn’t which can help you have a better idea of how to move forward.

Professional Help

There are a number of divorce professionals that can help you as you go through divorce. Many people hire an attorney and let the attorney lead their divorce. That can lead to an increase in cost and conflict. Here are professionals that you can use during your divorce:

Divorce Coach – a divorce coach can help you organize yourself, use your attorney and other professionals more efficiently, help you develop your list of your priorities and help you take steps to move forward in your life.
Therapist – a therapist can help you to heal emotionally when you’re going through divorce. You’ll be able to have a safe space to discuss anything you want to and not be judged.
Divorce Attorney – divorce attorneys are experts in the law and will help you navigate the legal process of divorce. You can hire a divorce attorney as a consultant so that you can get your legal questions answered.
Divorce Mediator – a divorce mediator is an unbiased facilitator to help you and your soon-to-be-ex negotiate all of the terms in your divorce agreement. Many mediators will also write up the agreement for you.

Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Your divorce does not have to define who you are. It is a transition and a new chapter in your life. By creating a strong support network and taking advantage of the services of a professional such as divorce coach, you can move forward with your life in a positive and healthy way.

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4 Tips to Make the Holidays Better When You’re Struggling

12/22/2022

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The holiday season is supposed to be a joyful time but for many people who are going through difficulties, holidays can be tough. Divorce, loss, an illness or a marriage that’s in conflict can all make holiday time less joyful. But there are things that you can do to make the holidays better, even if you’re dealing with tough times.

1. Don’t put extra pressure on yourself
There is no rule that you have to celebrate the holidays in a certain way every year. Do you like having a big celebration or would you rather do something smaller and casual? Maybe you want to watch movies, read a book or go snowshoeing. You get to decide each year how you’re going to celebrate the holiday season. You don’t have to do what you’ve done in the past. You can make new traditions based on what’s best for you. This year, take the pressure off of yourself and create memories in a different way so that you can put your feet up and relax. You deserve it!

2. Spend the holidays with who you want to spend it with
You don’t have to spend the holidays with people who aren’t kind, caring and supportive of you. If you’re used to spending the holidays with family members who make you uncomfortable or who don’t really understand you, take a break from them this year. If you’re divorced and don’t have your children, find a good friend or family who you want to be with. If your in-laws are not who you want to be with, spend the time with just your immediate family. Too may times, we do things because we’ve done them in the past. This year, do what works best for you.

3. Make sure that you reach out to loved ones
Many people who are struggling during the holidays don’t tell their loved ones how they feel. They may be ashamed or don’t want to bother anyone. But people who are close to you would probably want to help. They might be going through their own struggle and they would benefit from connecting with you. If you don’t have anyone you feel comfortable talking to, you can always reach out to a therapist.

4. Focus on the positives
Even if times are tough there are always positive things going on in life. Every day you can watch the sunset or take a walk in nature. You have your good health or your children to focus on. You are able to walk, ride a bike and take a warm bath. There are so many small things that we take for granted that we can be grateful for. What is positive in your life?

Final Thoughts
When you’re going through a difficult situation, it can be hard to get through the holiday season. Make sure that you don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself, you’re intentional with who you spend your holiday with, reach out to loved ones and focus on the positive. There are ways to turn around a holiday season that you’re dreading and make it into a positive experience for you and your family.

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How to Handle the Stress of Co-Parenting When You’re Going Through Divorce

11/28/2022

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Divorce is a difficult and overwhelming experience and can be especially challenging for those who are co-parenting with their soon-to-be-ex (STBX). You want what's best for your children but you may have difficulty communicating with your STBX. You both may have hurt, angry, and resentful feelings toward each other. There are things you can do to reduce the stress of co-parenting and make it more effective.

1. Communicate with your ex as much as necessary.

It's critical to keep the lines of communication open for the sake of your children. Schedules, pick-ups and drop-offs, extracurricular activities, medical issues and other details should be discussed. The more you can agree on in advance, the less stressful things will be when they arise. And, if disagreements do arise, try to handle them calmly. You don't want your children to see you arguing or hear negative things about their other parent. But you don't have to communicate about anything unrelated to the children. If there's something going on that you'd rather not tell your STBX, it's ok to keep it private. You're navigating a new relationship with your STBX and you can decide how much you share and how much you keep to yourself.

2. Do not use your children to communicate.

Using your children to communicate will only harm your children in the long run. Your children should never feel responsible for things that happen between their parents. If they are required to communicate because you aren’t able to, your children can feel an incredible amount of stress. It’s best to find ways to communicate including text, email and phone calls.

3. Focus on your future.

You and your STBX’s relationship is changing. You’re no longer going to be married, you’re going to be co-parents. That means that everything that happened in the past doesn’t really apply to your new relationship. Let go of the past and focus on your future as co-parents who both care about your children. Be polite and respectful no matter what your STBX does. Eventually you’ll be able to develop a healthy co-parenting relationship. Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself so that you won’t be triggered by any inappropriate text or confrontational attorney letter.

4. Talk about feelings with your children

Divorce brings up so many emotions. It’s important that you create an environment where your children can express all of their feelings, even if it’s difficult to hear. Ask your children how they’re feeling and listen to what they say. Listening without talking is an essential skill that parents need to be effective at. When your child expresses a fear, ask them to tell you more. Then ask them, “Is there anything else?” When your child is completely done talking, then you can try to address some of their concerns without minimizing them. Empathize with them and say, “I can see why you feel that way.” Be honest with your children and let them know that it’s hard for you too but let them know that you’ll all be ok. Come up with ideas together on how you can make things better. If your children feel comfortable talking about their feelings, you can all move forward and have hope for a really good future.

Final Words

Divorce is one of the most difficult things to go through in life. You have to take care of yourself to manage the stress of co-parenting. If you communicate effectively with your STBX, focus on your future and talk about feelings with your children, you will have an easier time managing the stress of divorce and co-parenting. If you’re struggling with any of this, reach out to a therapist or an experienced divorce coach.

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Princeton divorce and co-parenting expert
BLOG

Navigating Divorce: Dealing with Mixed Signals from Your Spouse

Four Important Tips for Effective Communication for Couples

How to Set Boundaries with Your Ex-Spouse or Any Difficult Person

Steps to Take if Your Marriage is Struggling…

What Do You Do When Your Spouse Says They Want a Divorce?

Three Steps to Finding Happiness Again When You’re Divorcing

Going Through a Divorce on a Budget: 5 Tips for a Less Stressful and Less Expensive Experience

Tips on Creating a Support Network During Divorce

4 Tips to Make the Holidays Better When You’re Struggling

How to Handle the Stress of Co-Parenting When You’re Going Through Divorce

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