​Sometimes you may feel your relationship is going well and other times you may be worried about the strength of your relationship. It can help to take a step back and see what’s working and what’s not. Here are some areas to look at:
 

1. How do you manage conflict? Every relationship has conflict. The way that you manage conflict is one of the most important factors in assessing your relationship. When one of the partners starts a topic that leads to a conflict – is there a soft startup or does the conversation escalate quickly? Couples that keep emotions in check and soften their response to each other are able to get through the conflict without it escalating. Why do conflicts escalate? Conflicts can trigger emotions from past experiences from childhood or past relationships. In order to avoid an escalation in the conflict – raised voices and defensive or critical statements – it’s helpful to take a 10 – 20 minute break, take some deep, abdominal breathes and calm down.
2. Is there repair after conflict? After there’s a disagreement, are you willing to empathize with each other and make each other feel heard and understood? Or do you try to avoid each other until you move on. Repair after conflict is another key area for couples to work on.
3. Do you have fun? Do you use humor, playful teasing and have positive experiences together? If you have things that you like to do together, it helps you feel more connected. Research has shown that humor is a great tool to increase satisfaction in couples.
4. Are you physically affectionate? Do you hold hands, kiss for more than 6 seconds and touch each other in a loving way? These things are extremely important in relationships. A peck on the cheek is significantly different from a 6 second kiss. Try it!
5. Do you accept influence from your partner? Do you value their opinion, point of view, who they are? Do you know what your partner’s life goals and dreams are? Accepting influence could be just a short response when having a discussion such as “good point” or “fair enough”. The way that you treat each other in your everyday interactions is a key indicator of your relationship strength.

 
These five areas are important when assessing the strength of your relationship. If you’re doing most or all of these, you’re probably doing pretty well. If you need work on one or more of these areas, don’t be discouraged. These skills can be learned. You can improve the strength of your relationship yourselves or you can always try couples counseling.
 

​For most parents, telling their children about the decision to divorce is one of the most difficult things that they have to face. It is helpful for both parents to discuss ahead of time what they’re going to share with their children and how they’re going to respond to their children’s questions.
 
Parents should make several agreements:

• Agree not to discuss any legal or financial issues in front of the children.
  
• Agree not to blame each other for the divorce. It’s not appropriate to discuss the specific problems in the marriage that led to the divorce with the children.  
  
• Agree to explain that although you won't be married to each other, you'll always be their mother/father and will always love them.
  
• Agree to tell children that the reason for the divorce has nothing to do with them – it’s not their fault and they aren’t to blame.

 
If you don’t know where you’ll live, that will create some stress for children. Letting children know a plan for where you’re living, even if it’s just for the near future, will help lower children’s anxiety.
 
If there are issues that the children already know about such as substance abuse, sexual orientation or an affair, it’s better to acknowledge the issue rather than avoid it. If you discuss it with the children, it will enable them to ask questions and feel that they can come to you to talk about things that concern them.
 
Discuss what the schedule will be and anything else that will impact them. Children need to know things like will they be moving, where will each parent live, who they will live with, when will they see each parent, will they stay at the same school and what will happen on their birthday and holidays. Even if you don’t have all of the answers, telling children what’s happening in the near future will help.
 
It’s best for parents to tell their children about the divorce together. It helps children see that their parents are still working together. It provides a sense of safety for children through an unstable time. It also provides an opportunity for children to process the information in a safe environment as both parents are available for questions, reassurance and support. Choose a time where there's no distractions and everyone can be together.
 
If children don’t feel like asking questions or talking about anything, don’t push them. Allow them to have time to process the information. They probably feel a lot of conflicting emotions and may not be able to verbalize their feelings right away.
 
It’s ok to tell children that you’re sad about the divorce and that with time, you will all heal and adjust to the changes in the family. However, try not to show intense emotions like crying for hours or saying, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Even though you may be struggling emotionally, you need to deal with your emotions separately from your children. They need to know that you are strong enough to deal with the divorce so that they don’t feel obligated to take care of you. If you need help dealing with all of the emotions and overwhelm of divorce, see a therapist so that you can be there for your children.

​Many clients seek counseling because they’re having difficulty with combining two families after divorce. They have children who are different ages, have different needs and personalities and they find it overwhelming and stressful. It’s not surprising considering how difficult it is raising children in intact families where there hasn’t been divorce!
 
Despite the difficulties, it is possible to have a happy family even if you have children from two different marriages. Some of the ways to make this situation successful are as follows:

1. Take time to get to know your partner. You don’t really get to know someone until you’re dating for over a year. I recommend 1 to 1 ½ years of dating before you can assess whether this person is for you. After that amount of time, you’ll probably know most of their faults and can decide whether or not you want to jump into a long term, committed relationship with them. Therefore, if possible, it’s better to wait to blend families until you’re sure of that commitment.
2. Don’t rush introducing the children to your partner. Children don’t need to meet everyone you’re dating. Wait until you know it’s a serious relationship before you introduce them to your children. If you date someone, they meet your children and then you break up, it could be another loss for your children, particularly if they were emotionally connected to them.
3. Know what your children need and make them a priority. For example, if children, especially young children, need one on one time with a parent, make sure that you prioritize that in your schedule. This is particularly true following a divorce as children are vulnerable and may need extra attention. Children need to feel important in your life. If you’re regularly making your children feel important, you’ll then be able to take time for yourself and they’ll be ok.
4. Make the new relationship a priority also. This can be difficult to manage when there are so many things pulling at your time and attention. But if you can schedule a date night with your partner once a week, that will help you maintain the connection in your relationship. Even if the date night is at home after the kids go to bed, that could work. Turn off all of the phones and computers, light a candle, make some tea and really focus on each other. You’ll be amazed at how much you both need that connection.
5. Try to stay out of the way of how your partner parents unless they want you involved. Everyone has their own style of parenting. Even if your partner’s style of parenting is different from how you parent, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. Each of you must respect the other’s way of interacting with their children.
6. Learn how to communicate effectively. When one member of the family is upset, talk about it respectfully and truly listen to each other. Make sure there are opportunities for each family member to express how they feel and feel validated. This can be accomplished through weekly family meetings with an agenda for the meetings determined by all family members. You can have a list of agenda items that are added to during the week. There should also be a group text and a family calendar where the family can clearly communicate with each other.

 
These suggestions will help you develop a closer family when you have partners that have children from previous marriages/relationships. If these techniques don’t work, family counseling with an experienced therapist is an option. However, if you make children and your relationship a priority, respect boundaries and communicate effectively, you’ll be far along the way to having a happy blended family!

When you are going through a divorce, you may feel hurt, guilty, alone, scared – a lot of very difficult feelings. Starting a new relationship is appealing because it can help you feel less lonely and it can provide support when it may be difficult to get support from others who don’t understand what you’re going through. However, relationships take time, energy and a lot of compromise. Thinking through what is best for you and your family will help you determine when to move forward with a new relationship.

​Some things to consider when starting a new relationship after divorce:

1. Have you mourned the loss of the marriage? Divorce is like a death and you need time to mourn, even if you wanted the divorce. You may feel sadness, anger and many other emotions that you need to go through in order to move on and be open to another relationship.
2. Have you learned what went wrong in your marriage and understand what you can do differently in your next relationship? It is important to examine your marriage and find out what you did to contribute to the issues. Usually it isn’t just one person’s fault when a marriage ends. If you don’t work on your relationship skills, you may end up repeating the problems you had in your marriage.
3. Are your children ok? If your children are struggling, they need a parent who is available both physically and emotionally. They don’t want to share you with another person who they don’t know. Determine if you can balance taking care of your children’s needs with a new relationship.

 
Look into your situation and assess where you and your children are emotionally. This will help you determine if you’re ready for a relationship.
 
There are parents who don’t consider starting a new relationship because they feel that they need to focus on their children. They feel that they can’t have a relationship at all until their children are out of the house. Although some may think that this is best for children, there can be some negative consequences to this.
 
A parent who focuses primarily on their children may find that they don’t have any time to develop their own life, hobbies, interests, friendships or take care of themself. This works for young children as they want and need their parent’s undivided attention. But as children get older, they start to develop their own life, friends and activities. If their mom or dad is solely focused on them, the children may feel responsible for their parent’s happiness and feel guilty that they don’t want to spend all their time with the parent.
 
There is a middle ground. You can have a relationship and your own life after a divorce while putting your children as a priority. One of the reasons to develop your own life outside of your children is that you are your children’s main role model. If you are happy and have a full life, it encourages your children to have that too.
 
There is no one right or wrong answer. Think through what you want and take your time with every decision. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist to help you think clearly. Balance your own needs with that of your children. You know what is best for your children and for yourself. Have faith in yourself that if you take the time and space you need, you will come up with what will be best for you and your family.

Relationships are tricky. In order to have a healthy relationship, you must compromise. You have to give up some things that you would want and hopefully your partner also gives up some things that they want. But how much giving up is too much? How do you both give to each other while making sure that you're meeting your own needs?
 
Communication is key to finding the balance between taking care of yourself and taking care of your relationship. Make some time to talk when you’re both relaxed and can focus on the conversation. Listen to each other and try to understand the other’s point of view. If you find that your partner doesn’t allow you to have your own friends or activities, that may indicate a serious problem in your relationship. If you can have a reasonable conversation about how you can work through this issue, that’s a very good sign for the health of your relationship.
 
Too many people get into relationships and find that everything they do revolves around their partner. The problem with this is that it may work in the beginning but after some time you'll most likely feel resentful. You'll wake up and realize that you’ve become distant from all of your friends and you don’t have any outside interests. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can give of yourself to the relationship while you take care of yourself.
 
The first step is to think about what’s important to you. Prioritize the things that you do that make you happy. Is it important to attend a weekly book club with your friends? Is it important to work out every day? Is it important to spend time with your sister regularly? You probably won’t be able to do it all but you can choose some things that you value the most. You need to feel grounded and happy. If you find that you’ve given up too much and you’re starting to feel resentful, that needs to be discussed.
 
Good communication is essential to finding the right balance for your relationship. Check in with your partner regularly and make sure you’re on the same page regarding time spent together and time spent apart. If you do so, you’ll develop the basis for a really strong, connected relationship.

In today’s fast-paced, connected world, we often communicate via email and text. Remembering to update an ex on all events, conversations and decisions is important and requires organization and time. But failure to do so can lead to the breakdown of the co-parenting relationship and can negatively impact your children.
 
Luckily there are tools that are now available to help co-parents communicate more effectively. The app that I’d like to highlight is called “2Houses” which includes a calendar where every family member can view an online schedule. Parents can schedule recurrent activities like tennis lessons and special events such as birthday parties. The app has a finance tool that helps parents manage their children’s expenses. When a payment is needed for a doctor’s appointment, a reminder is sent to the parent in charge of that payment. A great feature is a wish list where each parent can suggest what should be bought for their children such as food or something needed for school. It even has an album feature where you can share pictures of your children with each other. Lastly, there is an info bank where you can share important contact numbers and addresses.
 
If something is not communicated correctly, there can be serious consequences. Apps like 2Houses make it easier for co-parents to be on the same page. By using 2Houses, the chances of miscommunication is lessened and you and your children will benefit.

Being divorced can be lonely and being divorced during the holidays can be really difficult. Your friends who have intact families may not be able to understand what it feels like to be home by yourself while the rest of the world seems to be happily celebrating the holidays. You may feel emotional pain and lonely. Even if you have friends that invite you to join their holiday celebration, you may feel so different from them that it hurts.

These are all normal feelings. Give yourself the time and space you need to grieve the loss of your intact family. At some point, you will be more used to it and it won't hurt as much. If you can connect with others who are also divorced, that can be extremely helpful during the holidays. They can understand what you're feeling and be supportive when you need them to be. 

Focus on your children - think about what would make them happy. Seeing your children happy can help you feel happiness during the holidays. Try to keep traditions going or start new ones so that children have a sense of family. Doing holiday traditions with friends or family is so important for children whose parents are divorced. They feel a sense of family and closeness that helps children feel good when their family is different from what it used to be. 

Volunteering is a wonderful way to get a better perspective. Providing gifts for homeless families, working at a food kitchen or visiting sick children in the hospital can really make you appreciate what you have. It's amazing the difference you feel when you help others. You can do this with or without your children. Either way, it feels really great.

Two other important techniques for feeling good throughout the holiday season is to keep active and learn how to enjoy being by yourself. Walk, go to the gym or play tennis and you will find that you feel better. Do something by yourself like read, visit a museum or meditate. Learn how to be alone and you may like it. If you can enjoy spending time with yourself, you will be able to handle the holidays and anything else that comes up. You may find that the time you spend by yourself is not lonely - it's a gift that you give yourself that truly makes you happy.