Defensiveness can be one of the most damaging behaviors in intimate relationships. Defensiveness is defined as any attempt to defend oneself from perceived attack. It’s the third of Dr. John Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse – which outlines the 4 behaviors that are not healthy for intimate relationships.

Defensiveness is one of the most common of the 4 Horsemen. It happens without most people being aware that they’re being defensive. For example, if one partner says, “I really don’t like it when you speak to me in that tone of voice.” The other person may respond with, “What tone of voice? I’m speaking to you like I speak to you all of the time!”

One partner feels criticized and they become defensive. When someone gets defensive, their partner gets frustrated because they don’t feel heard. It becomes a cycle and makes couples feel distant, increases resentment, and stops effective communication.

When we become defensive, we miss an opportunity to get close to our partner. Instead of considering the other person's perspective, we protect ourself. We may be right but here’s the big question: Would you rather be right or close?

The way to combat defensiveness is to take responsibility for at least some part of the problem. This will show your partner that you care how they feel. Taking responsibility, even if you didn’t mean to hurt your partner, will give you the opportunity to connect with each other.

If you’re both feeling hurt, it can be really tough to put your own feelings aside to find something that you can take ownership of. You can say something understanding like, “Yes, I could have said that better.” If you can be the first one to take responsibility, you’ll be surprised that your partner will most likely soften and then take responsibility for their part.

Some tips for getting rid of defensiveness:

1.     Calm Down – If your heart is beating more than 90 beats-per-minute, it becomes more difficult to access the “logical” part of your brain. Disengaging from an interaction before something hurtful is said should last for at least 20 minutes or longer for a person to really calm down. Otherwise, it is easy to slip back into an emotionally charged conversation and to say things that are hurtful and damaging to the marital friendship.

2.     Speak Non-Defensively – Speaking with a soft voice, using statements that start with “I feel…” rather than “You…” statements, and garnering the listener’s trust in our ability to communicate effectively without eliciting defensiveness.  “We” statements can also be helpful (e.g. “We need to start going to the gym.” or “We should talk about money issues.”).

3.     Pause before reacting - Instead of instantly responding, take a moment to collect your thoughts and emotions. Take some deep breaths to allow your brain to calm down so that you can try to understand the other person’s perspective. Don’t assume you know what they mean. Consider your partner’s intention behind their words, and respond calmly and thoughtfully rather than defensively.

4.     Validate – To validate another person we must:

• Listen with our eyes, ears, mind and heart
• Understand the needs and emotions being expressed
• Use bridge phrases and words such as “And then what happened?”; “How did that make you feel?”;  “Really?  You’re kidding?”; “What are you going to do now?”, “How can I help?”; “Uh-huh.”; “Yes/No/Why?”; etc. to let the know you are listening.

If defensiveness persists in your relationship despite your best efforts, consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or counselor. They can help you identify underlying issues and develop healthier communication patterns. If you'd like to work with Jill, you can contact her at [email protected]. 

Although defensiveness is common, you can learn ways to decrease defensiveness by learning how to calm down, speak non-defensively, pause before reacting and validate your partner. With work, you can create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship with your partner. 

​“I was in crisis mode.”
“I never thought he/she would do this.”
“I thought we’d have time when the kids got older.”


When you have young children, it's easy to get caught up in the demands of parenthood and let your marriage take a backseat. You think that there will be time later, after the kids are older, to work on the relationship.

However, this approach can lead to major problems in a marriage. One partner may build up so much anger and resentment that they don’t know if they can get over it. One partner may start an emotional affair.

Plus working on your marriage while your children are young is crucial for the overall well-being of your family. Your marriage is the foundation on which your family is built - your family thrives when your marriage is strong. By nurturing your relationship, you create a stable and loving environment that benefits not only you as a couple but also provides a positive and secure space for your children.


Tips for Working on Your Marriage with Young Kids:

·      Prioritize couple time: Set aside dedicated time for just the two of you. It doesn't have to be grand gestures; even simple activities like taking a walk together, cooking a meal, or having a date night at home after the kids are asleep can strengthen your bond.

·      Communicate Honestly and Often: If you’re upset about something, share it you’re your partner in a loving way. Use I messages – I feel frustrated when you don’t help with putting the kids to bed because I’m so tired at the end of the day. Can you please help me put the kids to bed? Make it a priority to have open and honest conversations regularly. Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and actively listen to your partner.

·      Seek Marriage Counseling and Support: Don't hesitate to go to a marriage counselor if things aren’t getting better. The earlier that you do this, the better. There are many options such as attending a marriage workshop, reading relationship books, or seeking professional counseling from a trained marriage counselor.

·      Show Gratitude: Telling your partner what you’re grateful for and acknowledging each other's contributions goes a long way in nurturing your marriage. Recognize and express gratitude for the small gestures, support, and efforts each of you makes in your daily lives.

·      Divide and Conquer: Share the responsibilities of parenting and household chores. Many times partners will fall into stereotypical gender roles without having a conversation about what each of you wants. It’s important to discuss how you’re going to create a balanced partnership so you’re both happy.

·      Find Shared Interests: Discover activities or hobbies you both enjoy. Engaging in shared interests fosters connection and allows you to have fun together, taking a break from the demands of parenting.

·      Practice Self-Care: You hear this a lot – it’s important to take care of yourself. Many parents put taking care of themselves last when they have young children. But When taking care of yourself is important to your relationship and to your family. Prioritize self-care activities, set boundaries, and communicate your needs to create a healthy balance between personal and family life.
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Working on your marriage while your children are young is an investment that benefits your entire family. By prioritizing your relationship, you strengthen the foundation of your family, model healthy relationships for your children, and create a nurturing and loving environment. With these practical tips, you can actively nurture your marriage and foster a strong and fulfilling partnership, even in the midst of the demands of parenthood.

The holiday season is supposed to be a time of joy, love, and togetherness. However, for many couples who are struggling in their marriage, it can be challenging. You may be pretending everything is ok in your marriage for your children but children can tell when there’s tension. Here are some ways to navigate this difficult situation and create a positive atmosphere:

1.     Have Open and Honest Communication

Your partner probably knows that things between you are not ideal. It’s helpful to have an honest conversation with your partner about how you’re going to navigate the holidays. Are you going to spend the holiday together? Do you need some alone time? How are you going to focus on the children and make sure there is no fighting? Carve out some time to create a safe space where both of you can express concerns, feelings, and desires without fear of judgment or reaction. If you need to enlist the help of a couples’ therapist, that is a good option.

2.     Lower Stress This Holiday Season

The pressure around the holidays can be overwhelming. Make sure that you plan events that you’re comfortable with and that don’t increase the stress and conflict. Maybe it isn’t the time to have 30 people over for Christmas or go to 10 Christmas parties. Think about what calms you and your children. Doing a puzzle together or setting up a family movie night are great alternatives.
 
3.     Know Your Priorities

Understanding what makes you happy will help you successfully structure your time during the holidays. Once you know what you need, schedule that into your time. For example, if you need some time to meet a friend for coffee, make sure that you schedule that into your day. Don’t hesitate to put yourself as a priority during this holiday season.

4.     Focus on Your Children's Well-being

Shield your children from the stress and tension in your relationship. Make sure that you don’t fight in front of them and that you work together to make parenting decisions. Ensure that your children feel loved, secure, and supported during the holidays. Creating positive experiences for them can contribute to a sense of stability for your children and your marriage.
 
5.     Foster Gratitude and Appreciation
Focusing on gratitude is one of the best tools you can use to minimize stress and conflict. Take time to express gratitude and appreciation for each other. Start a gratitude practice where your family regularly talks about what you appreciate about each other. Cultivating a sense of gratitude can help shift the focus from difficulties to the strengths and positive aspects of your marriage.

Navigating the holidays when your marriage is struggling can be tough. It’s a journey that requires effort, patience, and a willingness to work together. While the holidays can intensify existing marital challenges, they also present an opportunity for growth and healing within your relationship. By implementing some realistic strategies, you can lay the groundwork for a more positive and fulfilling future with your partner and children.

Marriage is hard! It takes work, sacrifice and compromise. And it helps to have a childhood with parents who had a good marriage, which is not that common. But even if you had good roles models from your parents, you still can go through tough times in your marriage. All long-term marriages go through ups and downs. So what do you do if you’re in one of those down times?​

You have several choices:

1.     Do nothing. You can detach from your partner, do your own thing and hope you both let things go. Eventually things could get better.

2.     Ask for a divorce. You’ve been unhappy for a while and you’re sick of feeling this way. You don’t know what else to do so you think that divorce is the only answer.

3.     Marriage counseling. An experienced marriage counselor can help you work through past hurts and build new skills that can improve your relationship.

4.     Marriage retreat. This is where you spend a weekend with an experienced professional, and other couples who are struggling, and work intensely on improving your marriage. You can make a lot of progress in a relatively short amount of time.

5.     Individual counseling. Individual counseling is never a bad thing to do. You’ll benefit no matter what happens to your marriage.

What if your spouse won’t agree to do anything? Then you have a limited amount of choices but you still have choices.

What if you’ve tried marriage counseling and it hasn’t worked? Then individual counseling or coaching can help you make the decision about what you want to do.

There are many people who stay in unhappy marriages because they’re too scared to do anything else. And it is scary to face your problems head on. But if you have the right support, you’ll be amazed how strong you are.

​Reach out if you need someone to walk with you through this journey – whether it’s how to save your marriage or how to get yourself prepared for divorce. I’m a marriage counselor, individual therapist and coach and I can support you wherever you’d like to go. Contact me at [email protected]