Divorce is one of life’s most challenging experiences but during a pandemic it’s just that much more difficult. For instance, how do you handle custody arrangements when families are supposed to be quarantined? What if you and your ex have different ideas about what is safe? One parent may think that it’s ok to see close family and friends and the other may not be seeing anyone. These situations may make it necessary for divorcing couples to communicate and agree on a temporary custody arrangement that’s different from what the original agreement specifies.
 
And if you’re still living with your ex, it can be even more complicated. You’re probably having a harder time keeping apart from each other. If there's conflict between you (which there usually is in divorce), how do you keep that away from the children? It sounds like a recipe for disaster.
 
All of this is stressful for adults, but it’s really stressful for children who don’t understand what’s going on. Following are guidelines to help parents co-parent effectively during the Covid-19 pandemic:
 
1.Talk to your ex about putting your anger aside for the good of the children. Recognize that this is an emergency and that you need to work together in order for your children to feel better during this stressful time.
2.Together, maybe by Skype, reassure your children that everything’s going to be ok. Ask your children if they’re worried about anything and work together as a family to help each other.
3.Provide consistent routines such as waking up and going to sleep at the same time every day, doing school work at the same time every day, etc. Routines can help children have more stability.
4.Focus on the positives. You probably have more time to spend with your children. Play games, laugh, be in the moment and go outside every day you can. When you pay attention to positives, you have less time and focus on all the things you don’t have control of.
 
This is a difficult time. It’s ok to put the logistics of divorce on hold right now. Good communication, working as a team with your co-parent and focusing on the positives is more important now than it ever has been. Children need as much support as possible, and they need their parents on the same page. Set aside your differences, at least for the time being, and focus on handling this crisis for the good of you and your children.

​The experience of divorce often involves intense feelings of anger. Whether it’s due to an ex’s behavior in the past or the adversarial divorce process, it’s tempting to hold onto that anger. However, letting the anger and pain dictate how you function each day will not help the healing process or get you where you want to go. It’s like trying to ride a bike with flat tires, you’re not going to get anywhere!
 
As good as it feels to point fingers at your ex’s mistakes, focusing on that will only create more animosity and won’t move you forward in your life. Yes, you probably have many reasons to be angry and frustrated at your ex but save those conversations for a therapist or a trusted friend. Don’t talk about it to your children, your attorney or your ex. Talking to your children will negatively impact them – they love their other parent and feel badly when anything negative is said about a parent. Talking to your attorney can cost you a significant amount of money. And talking to your ex about his or her mistakes will just escalate things and slow your progress in the divorce.
 
So how do you handle all the anger and emotions? You need to have a place where you can process what happened. A therapist, a trusted friend or a divorce support group are all great options. I run a Facebook support group – Separation and Divorce Support Community – which is one good option. Once you’ve started to process all the feelings that you’re going through, it helps to put your intention on learning from the past instead of reacting to it. What have you learned from your relationship with your ex? What can you do differently because of this learning? Take the time to come up with a plan for yourself and what you want in your future.
 
This may seem unfair because you weren’t treated fairly or you aren’t getting a fair deal. But what’s more important in life – fairness or peace? Fairness or happiness? If you could be happy and peaceful, what is that worth to you?
 
With every door that closes, another one opens. Embrace this new opportunity as a new stage of your life with happiness, peace and hope. Your personal transformation is an exciting time with endless possibilities. Let go of the anger and go for what you want. You deserve it!!

​Sometimes you may feel your relationship is going well and other times you may be worried about the strength of your relationship. It can help to take a step back and see what’s working and what’s not. Here are some areas to look at:
 

1. How do you manage conflict? Every relationship has conflict. The way that you manage conflict is one of the most important factors in assessing your relationship. When one of the partners starts a topic that leads to a conflict – is there a soft startup or does the conversation escalate quickly? Couples that keep emotions in check and soften their response to each other are able to get through the conflict without it escalating. Why do conflicts escalate? Conflicts can trigger emotions from past experiences from childhood or past relationships. In order to avoid an escalation in the conflict – raised voices and defensive or critical statements – it’s helpful to take a 10 – 20 minute break, take some deep, abdominal breathes and calm down.
2. Is there repair after conflict? After there’s a disagreement, are you willing to empathize with each other and make each other feel heard and understood? Or do you try to avoid each other until you move on. Repair after conflict is another key area for couples to work on.
3. Do you have fun? Do you use humor, playful teasing and have positive experiences together? If you have things that you like to do together, it helps you feel more connected. Research has shown that humor is a great tool to increase satisfaction in couples.
4. Are you physically affectionate? Do you hold hands, kiss for more than 6 seconds and touch each other in a loving way? These things are extremely important in relationships. A peck on the cheek is significantly different from a 6 second kiss. Try it!
5. Do you accept influence from your partner? Do you value their opinion, point of view, who they are? Do you know what your partner’s life goals and dreams are? Accepting influence could be just a short response when having a discussion such as “good point” or “fair enough”. The way that you treat each other in your everyday interactions is a key indicator of your relationship strength.

 
These five areas are important when assessing the strength of your relationship. If you’re doing most or all of these, you’re probably doing pretty well. If you need work on one or more of these areas, don’t be discouraged. These skills can be learned. You can improve the strength of your relationship yourselves or you can always try couples counseling.
 

​For most parents, telling their children about the decision to divorce is one of the most difficult things that they have to face. It is helpful for both parents to discuss ahead of time what they’re going to share with their children and how they’re going to respond to their children’s questions.
 
Parents should make several agreements:

• Agree not to discuss any legal or financial issues in front of the children.
  
• Agree not to blame each other for the divorce. It’s not appropriate to discuss the specific problems in the marriage that led to the divorce with the children.  
  
• Agree to explain that although you won't be married to each other, you'll always be their mother/father and will always love them.
  
• Agree to tell children that the reason for the divorce has nothing to do with them – it’s not their fault and they aren’t to blame.

 
If you don’t know where you’ll live, that will create some stress for children. Letting children know a plan for where you’re living, even if it’s just for the near future, will help lower children’s anxiety.
 
If there are issues that the children already know about such as substance abuse, sexual orientation or an affair, it’s better to acknowledge the issue rather than avoid it. If you discuss it with the children, it will enable them to ask questions and feel that they can come to you to talk about things that concern them.
 
Discuss what the schedule will be and anything else that will impact them. Children need to know things like will they be moving, where will each parent live, who they will live with, when will they see each parent, will they stay at the same school and what will happen on their birthday and holidays. Even if you don’t have all of the answers, telling children what’s happening in the near future will help.
 
It’s best for parents to tell their children about the divorce together. It helps children see that their parents are still working together. It provides a sense of safety for children through an unstable time. It also provides an opportunity for children to process the information in a safe environment as both parents are available for questions, reassurance and support. Choose a time where there's no distractions and everyone can be together.
 
If children don’t feel like asking questions or talking about anything, don’t push them. Allow them to have time to process the information. They probably feel a lot of conflicting emotions and may not be able to verbalize their feelings right away.
 
It’s ok to tell children that you’re sad about the divorce and that with time, you will all heal and adjust to the changes in the family. However, try not to show intense emotions like crying for hours or saying, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Even though you may be struggling emotionally, you need to deal with your emotions separately from your children. They need to know that you are strong enough to deal with the divorce so that they don’t feel obligated to take care of you. If you need help dealing with all of the emotions and overwhelm of divorce, see a therapist so that you can be there for your children.

​Many clients seek counseling because they’re having difficulty with combining two families after divorce. They have children who are different ages, have different needs and personalities and they find it overwhelming and stressful. It’s not surprising considering how difficult it is raising children in intact families where there hasn’t been divorce!
 
Despite the difficulties, it is possible to have a happy family even if you have children from two different marriages. Some of the ways to make this situation successful are as follows:

1. Take time to get to know your partner. You don’t really get to know someone until you’re dating for over a year. I recommend 1 to 1 ½ years of dating before you can assess whether this person is for you. After that amount of time, you’ll probably know most of their faults and can decide whether or not you want to jump into a long term, committed relationship with them. Therefore, if possible, it’s better to wait to blend families until you’re sure of that commitment.
2. Don’t rush introducing the children to your partner. Children don’t need to meet everyone you’re dating. Wait until you know it’s a serious relationship before you introduce them to your children. If you date someone, they meet your children and then you break up, it could be another loss for your children, particularly if they were emotionally connected to them.
3. Know what your children need and make them a priority. For example, if children, especially young children, need one on one time with a parent, make sure that you prioritize that in your schedule. This is particularly true following a divorce as children are vulnerable and may need extra attention. Children need to feel important in your life. If you’re regularly making your children feel important, you’ll then be able to take time for yourself and they’ll be ok.
4. Make the new relationship a priority also. This can be difficult to manage when there are so many things pulling at your time and attention. But if you can schedule a date night with your partner once a week, that will help you maintain the connection in your relationship. Even if the date night is at home after the kids go to bed, that could work. Turn off all of the phones and computers, light a candle, make some tea and really focus on each other. You’ll be amazed at how much you both need that connection.
5. Try to stay out of the way of how your partner parents unless they want you involved. Everyone has their own style of parenting. Even if your partner’s style of parenting is different from how you parent, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. Each of you must respect the other’s way of interacting with their children.
6. Learn how to communicate effectively. When one member of the family is upset, talk about it respectfully and truly listen to each other. Make sure there are opportunities for each family member to express how they feel and feel validated. This can be accomplished through weekly family meetings with an agenda for the meetings determined by all family members. You can have a list of agenda items that are added to during the week. There should also be a group text and a family calendar where the family can clearly communicate with each other.

 
These suggestions will help you develop a closer family when you have partners that have children from previous marriages/relationships. If these techniques don’t work, family counseling with an experienced therapist is an option. However, if you make children and your relationship a priority, respect boundaries and communicate effectively, you’ll be far along the way to having a happy blended family!